Seeing a Psychiatrist?

Currently Reading: Savage Sam by Fred Gipson
Currently Listening: "East Jesus Nowhere" by Green Day

So... yeah. I've had unwanted sexual and violent thoughts for so long, I don't remember not having them. I remember when I was about 6-7 years old I was convinced I would die of asthma any day (even though I didn't have it) so I would take huge gulps of air randomly. Until I was about 12 I was convinced a murderer would break into my room and kill me so I slept with a lamp on in my room.

Those are pretty mild compared to what I get now. The unwanted sexual and violent thoughts are still prominent today, and depending on the situation, are triggered at random times. Christmas week was a stressful one so I avoided knives and scissors as much as I could. One time chopping up lettuce for dinner I had to put the knife down because I kept imagining myself stabbing my dog. Christmas Eve when wrapping presents I imagined stabbing myself with the scissors. My dog knew something was wrong so she stayed near me all night.

Two days ago some shit happened. After it was "done", I kept seeing myself stabbing myself with my knives and my scissors and sometimes I would look at my Ibuprofen bottle and imagine an overdose. I'm still avoiding these things. I cut up my food yesterday with a fork and even though I had a raging migraine, I avoided taking an medication because I was convinced I would overdose.

The suicidal thoughts aren't anything new. I've had these for years. I don't think I'm suicidal. In fact, I know I'm not because I actually have a huge fear of death. The thoughts are always casual if I'm not thinking them in times of stress. I can be making food and think, "Oh, what would it be like if I just stabbed myself in the chest right now?" Times of stress is when they get too much and I feel horrified. I've had the sexual thoughts for years as well, along with the fear of contamination. If I find out you don't wash your hands, I will not touch you. In the dorms, I wash my hands three times after I use the bathroom. I don't hug certain family members depending on the job. If I feel the slightest pain in my side, my brain thinks "your appendix are gonna burst" or if I get a small headache, my brain goes to "you're gonna die of an aneurysm right now". I avoid anything that can get my hands dirty so I don't have to wash them.

So yeah. I figured the unwanted suicidal thoughts aren't normal so I think I'm going to go to my school's psychiatrist on Wednesday. It sucks right now because all my friends know something is wrong and they keep asking but I can't tell them.

I think that's all for now.

Ciao a tutti!

Currently Listening: "Jaws Theme Swimming" by Brand New