I didn't do the standard straight to college after high school thing. Do I regret that? If I'm being honest, I think I do a little bit, maybe not so much that I didn't, but that's it's taken me so long.
And I know I have my whole life ahead of me, but I tend to try to live in the future. I'm that person that doesn't want to work for it, but I also recognize that if I don't I'm not going to appreciate it.
"It" being the career, the family, the house.
And right now I'd love to have a job, but my lack of experience and my overall social anxiety makes that hard. I'd love to have my own place, but that also scares the hell out of me. It'd be awesome if I even had a girlfriend, but I'm too busy being antisocial and focusing on myself than putting myself out there.
I sigh a lot. I think too much. I don't talk to enough people. And I'm not happy.
And I'm afraid that everything that's weighing down on me is going to continue to crush me, but I like to think of myself as independent and I hate asking for help because any generosity I receive I think of as charity and I have such a lack of self-esteem that I feel like I don't deserve it.
I want to go outside of my comfort zone. I want to be that extrovert I remember being as a child.
Sometimes every thought I have pisses me off. Sometimes I reflectively look at myself and all I see are all the negative things that are most likely just my screwed up mind lying to me.
And a good amount of time I fear that people think I'm pretentious and so I wonder if I am.
And I fear by posting this blog whoever it is that reads it is just going to think I'm looking for attention, for someone to validate me or whatever. And I fear that by pointing out that fear I'm also asking for someone to feel that way.
It's 10pm and all I want to do is sleep.
I apologize that this isn't the usual positive blog I post...
I hope everyone has had a good day.