My dad told me to call my aunt (his sister) 'cause she's really into all that metaphysical stuff. She was there for me when I was having seizures and mental health problems. She likes to make blends and she aligns my chakras and everything. My mom and brother don't really believe in all of that, but I think anything that might help is worth trying and it's nice to put faith in something even though I'm not religious.
Anyway, I went there today. We made a blend of essential oils that's supposed to help with pain and healing of bones. Afterwards, she gave me a massage and aligned my chakras. She had to spend a lot of time on my heart and sacral which makes a lot of sense given where I am in life. Your sacral chakra is linked to balance and sexuality, intamacy, attachment issues, all of which are out of whack. One, I've gone from having sex 3-4 times a week to not having any at all and my libido is starting to fall a lot and as for the balance part, I just feel like I don't really have any right now. I don't have a lot to barter with my family. I just don't have enough to give.The attachment bit is obviously concerning this rocky break up which I will talk about in a little bit.
Your heart chakra is of course linked to love--love for others and love for yourself and I'm struggling with that a little bit, but at the same time, I feel like I'm really getting somewhere. I've definitely got a "fuck you" attitude toward guys right now. I know I shouldn't take my bad break up out on the entire gender, but it's hard to be around them without wanting to sneer and say some smartass shit. But I feel like I haven't had this much love for myself in a while and that's a big change. I didn't hate myself while in my relationship or anything, but the fact that I can survive without him and remain in a good mood and stay productive is really empowering, so that's nice.
She worked on my foot for a while then did a cranial to make sure all the bones in my head were aligned and all. Very interesting stuff. Very relaxing. Her hands are just so warm because of all the energy she puts into it. I really do believe that she has a gift.
But yeah, that was really nice. I have my little sacred space/alter set up again. I cleared all of it off a year or so ago when Coty and I got together 'cause I didn't want him to think I was weird, but I'm over it now.
I've got my quartz crystals, my opalite and sodalite. There's a couple of others that I picked up today and am not sure of just yet, but I'm sure I'll be able to figure it out. There's a cut piece of selenite and a selenite wand. you're supposed to use it to draw out energy and what not. And, of course, that brown one is my sacred stone. I'm a big fan.
But yeah. I also want to sage my room to get any bad energy out, but my mom doesn't like the smell, so I can't really do that unless she leaves for a day or so.
But yeah, it's something I really appreciate and want to get back into.
In other news, I've been trying to write more. I always fall back on Harry Potter when I don't know where to start, but I really want to write in my new original. I just need some inspiration. I'm just trying to stay busy. Been coloring a lot. I got a lot of old video games downloaded onto my 3DS thanks to a good friend.
I've been doing really well not talking to Coty at all. He had me blocked on social media and every few days he would message me or something and it wouldn't go anywhere, so he stopped. Then it would start back up again.
Last night was a different story. I went up to the restaurant to say goodbye to one of our bartenders who is leaving for a different location and while I'm sitting there, Coty messages me and wants to get a drink. I told him I didn't think it was a good idea and that I honestly just wasn't up to seeing him, and he gave me an ultimatum. Either I was gonna go to him or he was gonna come to me. (the bar he works at is literally in the same strip that the restaurant is in so it's super easy to walk to). I was like, "Fuck that," then decided it was time to really say bye, so I talked to a few people and planned on leaving, AND THEN COTY SHOWED UP AT THE RESTAURANT. I was so mad. I really didn't want to talk to him. I didn't have anything to say and I thought that we had it all talked out over messenger.
Mind you, this was the second time I had talked to him since our break up, and the first time had been me dropping off his stuff to which all he said was, "Thanks," and that was it, so this was, like, our first real conversation and he just wanted to talk everything out.
And like, I'm still mad, yeah, but I'm mostly content. I'm cool with being alone and having some me time. I've been on Tinder and stuff and even got a drink with a guy, but I don't really know if I'm actually looking for something right now. I just know that I don't want anything with him.
Anyway, we stood outside of the restaurant for about twenty-five minutes talking and it's like... he doesn't understand why I'm so mad at him. He even said, "I just didn't think you would take it this far." Like, he thinks this is just like our other break ups where after a week or two we would get back together and, like... No. I'm not gonna be fucking disrespected like that. I deserve better then a guy who's gonna send nudes to his ex girlfriend and tell her that the two of us "aren't that serious" despite the fact that we were talking about MOVING IN TOGETHER. He's like, "You're just not even trying to see my side," and I'm like, "I DON'T EVEN CARE WHAT YOUR SIDE IS. YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO DO WHAT YOU DID NOTHING CAN JUSTIFY IT."
I'm just so fed up with it.
So then after that, he messages me when I get home, then CALLS ME while he's taking his dog for a walk. A big thing is that he just doesn't have anyone to talk to. He doesn't have any friends, but he works at a bar, so if he would just try, I know he could make some. But yeah, he still wants to like bullshit about our days and stuff and I would be fine with that except he turns every single conversation into one about our relationship. And it's like, he keeps trying to make me feel guilty about it. Like, he'll say, "I just don't understand how you can throw away a year," and like, buddy. BUDDY. A year is not that long of a time. Like, it was my longest relationship, but it wasn't his. The only difference is that he and his exes would, like, stay together for three months then break up for three months, then get back together for three months and so on. But we were starting to do that and I'm not about three break ups in a year. Like, that's not gonna fly. The difference between those girls and myself is that I'm not about to tolerate that kind of bullshit. I may have some daddy issues, but I still know that I respect myself more than that.
So anyway, he calls me and it's civil for a while then goes back to the relationship and it ends with him screaming at me over the phone which is totally uncalled for. He's swearing every other word and calling me stupid for not wanting to get back with him and shit and it's like... I'm not fucking putting up with that shit anymore. He's gonna be blocked pretty soon. In all honesty, he should be already, but I feel bad for just cutting him off completely. Stupid, I know. He fucking deserves it at this point, but whatever. I'm just so astounding that he had the audacity to scream at ME at 3 o'clock in the morning. He's just being super manipulative.
But yeah. That's what's going on in my life. I'm over it. I'm ready for a change. I'm ready for my foot to heal so I can get a new job. I'm just ready.
Also, changed this layout again. I'm always in a magic-y mood. I had a different page background for a while then discovered it wasn't seamless and it just fucked with my OCD so I had to change it.