Mental Illness.

Depression.

I've dealing with this mental illness for a while now. It's been an constant struggle for me to pretend it doesn't affect me, when it in reality it affects me so much. I try my hardest not to cry and just deal with the pain, but I can't.

Depression is something that can't be push to the side, so you can go about your day. No! It's something that takes over you and makes you feel like you're worthless. Every day. Every single day, I deal with those feelings.

No matter what I do, I can't seem to get rid of the darkness. I struggle every day to put a smile on my face, but it's getting harder to fake it. They say the people who suffer the most are who are the funniest or always trying to make people feel happy. I believe that because even though I'm suffering, I try my hardest to make every one else happy.

I'm twenty-five years old and I've been struggling for over ten years. Medication doesn't work because it made me feel nothing. No emotions what so ever. I couldn't do that. I needed to feel something.

At seventeen years old, I was raped and I never told anyone because my brain decided that I couldn't deal with it and made sure I wouldn't remember it until I had an break down and I remember everything from that day.

The pain was unbearable, but I continued on because I had to. I'm a mom to two beautiful kids and I couldn't let that memory destroy me, but because of what happened I can't let anyone in or touch me in way.

I tried therapy, but it only made the pain worse. I couldn't relive those memories anymore. Every night, I would have nightmares and every time I would wake up gasping for air. No one should have to deal with depression or any other mental illness.

At fifteen I lost the one person in my life that made it worth something, my nana. She was the best at making me smile and made me feel so much love. I lost her because someone thought paying attention to their GPS was more important than watching the road. The pain still feels fresh every time I think about her, which is every day.

Most people would say "Well she was only your grandma. That shouldn't hurt you that bad." It did because she was more then just my grandmother. She was my hero, my second mom. My everything. I miss her every day.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm depressed and it just something I have to live with for the rest of my life. There's no medication that's going to make this go away. Hopefully one day I can say in all honest that I'm truly happy and that the depression isn't as bad anymore, but until that day, I'm just gonna continue to live.

Until next time.