Depressive States

Current Song: "Tides" by The XX
Currently Reading: Room by Emma Donoghue

It's only been three days since I said I was genuinely excited about the future but now my depressive states are back.

Y'all. I don't know what it is. Lately I've been wanting to cry for no apparent reason. In my head I imagine arguments with my friend as if I want to actually go through with these arguments when there's absolutely nothing to argue about! I create these scenes in my head and recently for some reason I convinced myself that she hates me and doesn't want to talk to me. I actually considered to stop talking to her and the logical side of me had to come in and shoot that down.

I convinced myself I have no friends and that's why I'm not looking forward to going home this summer. The logical side of me knows this isn't true. After all, I'm going to backpack through Europe with a bunch of friends. But the thought it still there.

I'm getting angry at everything and there's an impulse to argue with everyone in my path and to sometimes express my anger physically (like grabbing my gulf club and hitting the wall). I don't have reasons to argue with people. But for some reason I imagine myself screaming at them in my head.

Just today I got really pissed off. Someone couldn't wait 2 minutes for me to get my laundry so instead of putting them on a washing machine or table, he plopped them on the dirty floor. This has happened to me once last year and usually I would be irked but I would get over it within minutes. Today? I had to impulse to post on the Facebook page, I wanted to call him a bunch of names, I wanted to find him so I could yell at him and possibly even punch him.

I made a comment to my roommate thinking it was something everyone knew but she shushed me and claimed that so-and-so didn't do the thing I said they did. She was laughing about it and she assured me I did nothing wrong but I panicked anyway and thought "omg she hates me" and "omg we're going to fight I want to fight let's do this I'm angry".

The suicidal impulses are coming back too. Explanation: I'm not suicidal. I have a fear of death. I'm talking about the fear of the impulses. Like I'll pick up a fork and think, "What if I just stabbed myself with this right now?" and that scares me because, heh, I don't wanna die but the fear gets so bad that I need to put the fork down and avoid it for a while.

I'm tired of my mind making up situations that aren't there. I'm tired of being sad and angry all the time.

My next psychiatrist appointment is Monday.
April 6th, 2017 at 01:06am