Life Update: I'm Not Helping Myself

I've rewrote various versions of this journal multiple times since my last update and each one gets worse than the rest. Each time, things change, and life just doesn't seem to get any better at the moment while I'm dealing with my emotions, with school, with work, with family issues, with relationship issues, and I feel like I'm the person beating myself up the most about this whole thing, despite many of these objects being completely out of my control.

So, I'm just gonna take this whole chunk piece by piece and try to "catch up" from this last update.

My Emotions:

I have been unable to control my feelings about myself. I can't find the motivation to get up most mornings and do what I need to do. I go for days without taking my medication because I'm just tired of taking it; I just don't want to help myself anymore and that being said, my depression is spiraling out of control. How do I view myself currently? A failure; mainly because this links back to the other topics that I'm going to cover piece by piece.

The only way that I can really sum up all these crazy emotions going on in my head is that I just don't want to fight these demons anymore and I'm more or less letting them consume me slowly.

School:

Yesterday was the first time I had attended any class in over three weeks. A little over a month ago, I applied for services at school because of my "disability" and was forced to drop two classes; ultimately pulling me from having 13 credits, to having seven. The only reason I even went to class yesterday was because I had a test that I more than likely failed because I don't study, I don't go when I'm supposed to, and I'm definitely missing all sorts of work.

I know my scholarship is on the line seriously, but I'm at the point where I just don't care. I'm falling apart and I just don't care. So what I'm going to lose the opportunity that was given to me by the college, what does that matter? I know that I don't make enough money to even afford to continue going to college if I do lose this scholarship, but a part of me just doesn't really mind anymore. It's like the rational part of my brain just shut down and let the other side take over.

My teachers know about my "disability" but I don't even know how to explain it into further terms that they'd understand. Right now I seem like I'm ditching school just because I don't want to go and while that's partially true, I went from being a Straight-A Dean's List student, to all F's.

Work:

Work isn't really a part of this problem minus the few things that have happened between a coworker and I (the one I wrote the poems about). Besides that, my boss and coworkers have been trying to support me because they mostly know what's going on in my life; they can see it in my face when I come and and how I interact with the people around me.

I've been working at the shoe store for what'll be eight months in a few weeks and they're now trying to train me on the register.

I'm not gonna lie though; I'm faking that smile on my face most of the time.

Family Issues:

I am making plans to move out of my home. The only problems that I'm having currently are finances, health insurance, and the car that I drive. Jeremy's mother knows what's going on and has offered to let me move in with them, but a part of me just doesn't feel comfortable with that. Instead, I've been spending a lot of nights at his house and just trying to stay away from home as much as possible (unlike now, I'm sitting in my bed).

My stepmother and I are still going head to head on an almost daily basis and to be honest, I'm terrified to even be here. I never know what person I'm going to be dealing with when I wake up in the morning. Sometimes she asks me if I had good dreams and sometimes she wakes up, barks orders at me, and then refers to me as a lazy bitch. I never know what version I'm going to get of her that day and frankly, I'm exhausted from waking up in fear.

On top of that, I mentioned my cousin in my last update and I confided in him on what was going on in my household because I trust him. When I told him the solution that I had boiled down to (moving out on my own or with Jeremy) he told me to just move across the street with his mom/my aunt. What he doesn't understand is that I simply can't do that. One, the car will not be signed over to me that way even though I'm still making payments on it and they won't accept my "excuses" on being more independent, if I'm just living across the street.

He also told me that that mental abuse and physical abuse weren't the same thing, in terms that physical abuse is worse. Though one's wounds may be more visible, they're still equal in terms of abuse. I still feel the same pain mentally that a person would if they were physically abused because every. single. day. I'm told that I'm worthless, or I don't matter, or I should just leave, or maybe she'll kick me out. It's so many things and I'm so fucking tired.

Relationship Problems:

There's not really any problems with my relationship, but with my current attitude, it is causing a rift between Jeremy and I. He had to deal with one of my mood swings the other day where he found out that I haven't been taking my medicine and then had to plead with me to do such. I don't remember much of the whole spell, but from what he told me, I was only speaking in one word blurbs and would get frustrated when he wouldn't understand/would do what I was requesting.

An example of this was "pet". I like it when he plays with my hair and since he was playing a game, he couldn't exactly do that so I shoved him a couple of times, yelling "pet" multiple times before he had to put down his game before switching to something else. After awhile I got really sensitive though so I kept shoving him away and not telling him to touch me at all before switching back to "pet" in a matter of minutes later.

How does he put up with me?

So, while I'm not helping my case any by putting more stress on myself trying to find a new place and push myself for more money, I'm also dealing with all of these other things and slowly, I'm growing more disappointed in myself by the day. I'm tired, I'm sick, and I'm just starting to not care about what's going on around me.

I just... I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm sorry. I can't figure out what else to say, but I'm sorry for not putting out any content besides these little ramblings of mess; I just thought I'd share what I'd disappeared off to.

Kayla VI