I've finally found the motivation to write the sixth Volume of Hanru Sazuki and I feel really happy about starting it now.
I've been through a rough journey these past three months. I lost four relatives and I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I just lost an aunt this Mother's Day morning. I lost a great job and then lost a second job soon after. Me and my fiancee separated, although I was the one who needed the space, it was still difficult to deal with. We just made up a few days after what would've been our 1 year anniversary about 3 weeks ago on the 3rd. We've only seen each other 3 times since then but that's okay; I still enjoy the moments we do share together. I found myself at a very low point in my life during these past 3 months and I've noticed that March seems to be the month where I go through a deep psychological obstacle. Last year I dealt with buried issues regarding my parents. I never really got their recognition, nor did I seek it, but unbeknownst to me, I manifested it through coworkers and friends. Also, because of deep psychologically emotional damage done to me, I would use movies and video games as a way to express my thoughts and feelings to the people I sought emotional comfort from. Getting older, I was let down many, many times and it took until I was 22 to realize how unimportant movies, T.V. series, and my other small passions really were to the people around me. But these things meant the world to me. I would literally almost cry when I was rejected when I wanted to watch a movie and express my feelings. They didn't know how it was affecting me and I didn't either until my revelation in march of 2016. My mind was like a child's because of a trauma I experienced as a child I wasn't aware of and my mind became stuck because of it. this year in March, is when I lost my jobs my relatives, my relationship and my mind.
We all experience revelations throughout our lives, but what happened to me this past month was something I can't even describe. My mentality felt as if it was being bent and twisted in ways I couldn't imagine possible. What I experienced can only be described as unbelievable. It was like falling into an endless pit, but still realizing you're still standing on solid ground and everything around still remains calm and normal. When this journey first began, issues regarding my mother was surfaced when I felt it was time to move forward to something different. I felt un-secure with myself, I overspent my money to feel in control of something, I ate a lot of junk food and sugar to shield my feelings and food induced a type of pleasure that I felt comfortable feeling. I was afraid of live. I was afraid to surrender control. I could hardly sleep peacefully because sleeping puts my guard down. A bit of too much information here, but even attempting to be intimate was nearly impossible because I was too afraid to let emotions guide me. When kissing my girlfriend I was always in my head and never in the moment. Movies were the only thing that could get my mind of things and take me into the moment- same as writing. The craziest thing about all this is that everything I just wrote I had no idea was going on until my psychological mind was picked about these past few months. I had no idea how damaged I actually was. Issues with my mother arose. I suffered anxiety because when deep issues came up about how emotionally damaged I was from my mother and from childhood, I had to face them head on. Finding my greatest strength, I allowed myself to be subject to my fears because I know that someday I will die and the problems I have here on earth are nothing more but setbacks keeping me from living to my fullest potential. I knew that I wasn't gonna die and I knew that the truth is more important to me than living life suppressed. After facing these issues I began to realize that T.V. and shows began to diminish in how important they were to me. I had more discipline in myself, my spending habits and and eating habits. My relationship with my mother isn't as hostile when we're alone, but I do feel shaky and on guard when around her alone. I had a relationship preference for older women in their 30's and 40's and it came from me seeking comfort from an older woman to replace my mother. But now that relationship preference has diminished significantly.
After dealing with my fear I began to realize that my heart was locked away. I was unable to receive love, passion, and even maintain sexual desire. As I sought to heal my wounded heart I was reunited with a woman who reawakened these things in me and sadly she was not my fiancee. This woman did reawaken what I felt was lost with my fiancee. The woman came back into my life when my fiancee and I separated. I knew I had to make a big decision between the two women. My fiancee loves me with all her heart and I knew I loved her back. We had history and really missed her. However this other woman offered things that were much deeper to me that only a few women were able to awaken. In the end I chose my fiancee. I love her and she and I said we'd be partners for life. We reunited and I did feel that spark between us when reunited, but it wasn't enough to fully heal my broken heart. Unrelated to the relationship issues; I began to to through a warping that affected my mind is such ways... I never knew such emotions could be felt, such experiences could be realized, and how much knowledge could be known. What I went through after my relationship and parental issues cannot possibly be explained. I will not talk about it and I have no plans to write about most of it in any story. However, after experiencing what I did, I did find much healing in other areas of my life. I still have a long way to go and eating healthier just these last few days has made a difference in my healing process.
I hope to write a few things in the middle of Hanru Sazuki Volume Six. Every Volume has a theme. Volume One Had it's own story and message to it, but Volume Two was about Control. Volume Three was about Faith (Personally my favorite Volume tied with One.). Volume Four was about Origin, and Volume Five was about Life. Volume Five was the most difficult thing I had to write and at times even made me feel a bit bothered mentally- especially at the end of the Volume. Writing a death scene is hard but the ending death in Volume 5 was not planned so when it happened and how it happened was very shocking and disturbing to me. I don't always make my stories; I let my characters tell me their stories. But when plots get too out of control, I step in and change the direction a bit. So far from what I've written, Volume Six will actually have 3 themes, which in itself sounds difficult to do. This is a new feat for me as a writer and I am really looking forward to seeing how this works out. Also I'm feeling as if the Volume I'm currently working on may be the last one I write. After experiencing heavy elements in Volumes Four and Five, being Winter and Spring Themes, Volume Six will have a Summer theme to it, meaning it will be much lighter like Volume Two. The characters will come together, yet have their own separate journey's and be more domestic. I really hope you all enjoy this really long blog and my Hanru Sazuki story. Hope this blog was helpful to someone.
"Sometimes we're not always given the chance to see our own reflection through Mirror's Eye."
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