Haven't Been Myself

Current Song: "Note to Self" by The Amity Affliction
Currently Reading: The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown

I've been home from school for about two weeks. I was so excited to come home but once I got here I just haven't been myself. I don't want to go out with friends. Everything makes me cry. I just don't have the energy to do anything. I think I've gone out about five times. Once was with friends. Once was for a job interview. The other times were for groceries. I applied to the YMCA to be a counselor for the summer and I got really excited for that job. But they rejected me because I don't have summer camp experience and I think that's when my mood plummeted. This happened Mondayish and I haven't been happy since. I can't even get myself to apply for more jobs.

I also started having this obsession with being a character performer at Disney World. I would absolutely love to do this for a while before going out into the real world. I could apply now because face characters are usually 18-23 years old but I know this isn't ideal because I want to finish college first. I would like to be a performer but only 10-15% of applicants pass the first part of auditions alone and I need to lose the obsession with being my dream character first. I want to be Anna from Frozen but I'm too short by two inches and Disney is pretty strict on height restrictions. I looked at their website and I can really only be, like, 6 characters. Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Piglet, Winnie the Pooh, Tinkerbell (who I actually wouldn't mind being), and some fairy from Tink's TV show. This obsession with being Anna isn't going away anytime soon though. I keep imagining myself in different situations where I'm making guests happy, I'm in a show, I'm part of the parades, yadda yadda yadda. I could do all this stuff as other characters but Anna is the first princess I thoroughly enjoyed (I wasn't a huge fan of Princess movies as a kid so I missed out on this obsession. I like them now but still) so I want to bring her to life for kids. I spend hours thinking about this and just today I've spent an hour watching meet and greet videos. Images from the movie and scenes from Once Upon a Time repeat themselves over and over again my head. Same with some meet and greet videos. Then I get nostalgic because this movie is turning 4 this year and I remember seeing commercials and going to the theaters to see it and I get upset.

I actually imagine myself in another lifestyle pretty often and I've been doing this since I was kid. It's not even a life with made up animals and in a made up world. It's simple stuff like being born in Italy rather than America, I'm a good singer, I'm friends with people I never talked to in my real life, and even my name is different. I mean, I can spend hours pacing up and down my dining room thinking about this stuff. Just the other day I started at midnight and the next time I snapped out of it and looked at my phone the sun was shining and it was 5:30 in the morning. I was reading stuff to see if it's normal and although it's atypical, it's not uncommon. A friend explained it to me as being so upset with reality that you create a world in which you'd be happy in. Makes sense since I often find myself wanting my made up life to be real.

I randomly burst out into tears today and I don't know why so there's that. My mom is still trying to find a psychologist or psychiatrist for me that will take our insurance. I told my cousin that my therapist said I'm showing obvious signs of depression and OCD so she wants to take me out to distract me. She's iffy about the OCD but she's been seeing the signs of possible depression since I was younger.

I hope this all lifts up soon. I feel like I'm just wasting away this summer.

Current Song: "Youngbloods" by The Amity Affliction
June 3rd, 2017 at 01:38am