Hello Again, Mibba | Free Reads Within

(If you want to skip past the emotional stuff, scroll down to the bolded anyway)

I've come back again.

I'm not going to lie to you guys. I haven't been on here in a while because I can not take care of myself very well. Writing has always been the one thing I've always been able to count on to help me cope with everything. My depression had gotten so bad, the hopelessness so overwhelming, that I've been having a hard time making myself care at all.

I would come on long enough to post an update for White Noise, maybe. Or just to check and see if any of my favorite stories had been updated. But I've been working, too. Working pretty hard.

I finally took my practical exam to officially get my cosmetology license. I'm not working in a salon, nor do I plan to. I actually work at Office Depot, after getting the job at PF Chang's, not even staying a month. Then the job at Krispy Kreme, where I stayed for six months but they'd cut my hours so low I couldn't maintain it. Then I worked at Publix in the bakery, and....well, that is a story for another blog. But I like my job now, I like my coworkers, and I like that I close every night so I can sleep for most of the day.

Granted, I sleep a lot anyway.

My psychiatrist and I have been working really hard to improve my coping mechanisms. She officially diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder, amongst the array of disorders I already have. On one hand it was a relief: I finally had an explanation for why I act the way I act, like a light bulb going off in my head. On the other hand, I feel just as empty and disinterested about that as I do everything else.

It's so confusing, being within my mind. I care so much, and also don't care at all. At one point within the last six months, I'd realized I'd gone a month without showering and a week without brushing my teeth, and god knows how long without brushing my hair. It was devastating for me to have lost that much time. Where did it go?

It's been an incredibly weird several months, and sometimes I don't feel human anymore. I really don't feel like I'm anything at all. I've lost a good majority of friends, and really don't feel like a lot of people care. Logically I know people do, but what about mental illness is ever logical?

So I purged my entire Mibba account, except for the basics. White Noise, Avery, It Was Suicide Season, and When It's Over Now are left in tact. I deleted old pictures, deleted poems, all my old blogs, everything I could think of. I've been trying hard to clean everything up, kind of like a Mibba shower if you will, to wash away all the old dirty stuff and start back up with something new.

If you guys have any tips for self-care, or just any advice in general, or if you would like to be my friend, just send me a message. I get pretty lonely sometimes.

Anyway

I want to rekindle my love for reading your stories and commenting and being involved in this community. Leave the stories you're really proud of, or the ones that you want to have more attention, and I'll check them out. I can't guarantee 100% that I'll comment or sub or rec, but I will do my very best.

The only thing I ask is that you don't leave any stories involving rape/incest. I'm not really fond of that at all.

I think that's all I have for now.

It's nice to see you again, Mibba. I've missed you.