Worry

These past two months have been...eventful.

I haven't really written anything; right now, I'm focused on thoroughly editing a novella (Forgettable is the draft) to submit to some indie publishers because I know mainstream publishers are going to reject it on sight because it's weird and gay--well, actually, it's because a. it's not a novel and b. it's not the first in a series, so no one's really gonna even glance at it in Big Publisher World (tm) because it's not a cash cow. Whatever.

Oh, and I've been depressed out of my mind.

On the first week of June, I overdosed on Tylenol Extra Strength. Then I survived and heavily abused percocet for a couple weeks in-between drinking nasty-ass citrus vodka and getting stoned out of my mind and basically I fucked up my liver more than I ever have before in my life and of course it didn't make me feel any better. I'm still having bizarre dreams as a result of the drugs.

I kept getting into arguments with my mom (everything's okay now) because I have to live in her one-bedroom apartment, sleeping on the futon, over the summer and after all the jobs I applied for rejected me I just kind of slept all day for weeks. Then I got my college refund and decided to live off that for a bit ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ being a piece of shit for a bit. I've been off and on my meds and my mom is convinced that if I go back to taking them (antidepressants) I'll magically get happy. I don't think it works that way for anyone.

The worst thing: my grandfather died last week and the whole event really showed how 95% of my family is pure trash. I'm not trying to be rude or edgy or fake-deep or whatever word we use now to make fun of people expressing their pain (who cares if it's made-up?). I don't even want to elaborate on it because even after he died people have stolen from and attempted to take advantage of him and it pisses me off to no end. Even his biological daughter (he's my mom's stepdad); he bought her a house and then she fucked off and abandoned him again. My aunt called up last week asking him for money and when he told her that he was dying she said, "Oh, okay," and hung up--for reference, he's loaned her thousands over the years that were never paid back. And then he dies a week later and she pretends to be distraught. Fuck that. And then he called up my grandmother (his ex-wife) and told her that he loved her when they were married and all this heartfelt stuff and she just shrugged and hung up.

My dad had two heart attacks but honestly I don't care because he's human scum. He asked me to visit (assuming he would pay) but I honestly could not be in the same room with him at this point without trying to rip his throat out.

And the U.S. government is refusing to give me my passport. I have been applying for a passport since February of this year and have submitted no less than three birth certificates, and they're still denying it. I don't want to talk about the reason, but I swear to god if I don't get it by July 7 (when I leave for MX) I'm going to file a fucking lawsuit because this is ridiculous. I've already taken out the loans and shit to go there! I don't want to pay back loans for something I didn't even do! I also had to pay like $500 USD out of my own fucking pocket to get the plane ticket ($500 both ways, thank fuck).

And I switched my major to environmental science because I want to be an ornithologist because I don't have any interest in engineering because I don't want to work in a Firm (tm) because my whole purpose of going to college was kind of to avoid selling my soul to corporate overlords. I tell myself this, and it makes sense, but part of me can't shake the feeling that I switched to an "easier" major because I'm too stupid for engineering. Maybe I am.

Oh! Speaking of college: I was accused of collusion in my last engineering class because a couple of dickheads decided to take advantage of me. It looks like the hearing officer is taking my side in this, so that's the one bit of good news. The fucking ass (engineering major) who decided to copy my shit also laughed at me when I told him about my major switch because "that seems so easy."

I'm sorry. I've just been so angry and sad and hopeless these past two months and I don't know what to do. I guess this was a bit cathartic--writing it out and all--but I don't know.

Anyway, I hope everyone else's day/month/year/etc. is going better.
June 21st, 2017 at 02:20am