Life's Getting a Little Harder

I'm becoming a little more frazzled and harried by life and how it is occurring. There are so many things going on with my friends and family, and I feel like everyone is moving in hyperspeed around me while I just sort of zone out, lost in time.

In less than two weeks, my brother will be leaving. He is going into the Army, and will be leaving for basics. He won't just be gone for days or weeks, but years. As of right now, we'll be seeing him again in December...then he'll be deployed to Afghanistan for God knows how long. I'm trying not to think about all of the things that could go wrong, but I can't stop. It scares me.

One of my best friends just got approved for a house. She'll be a little over an hour away, which isn't far, nor is it bad. But she won't be here. I won't be able to make the five minute drive to her house in the middle of the night for a Waffle House run, she won't be able to bring me a sandwich from her job after work. She'll be busy with a new job, with college, with a new life away from this town.

My other friend - who is more like my lifeline - will be moving away, too. He'll be about two hours away, also going to college and getting a new job and a new life. And I'm selfish about this, because I don't want either of them to go. It's comforting to have them here, to know they're close enough to be here in only a few moments.

I'm selfish because I don't want things to change. My brother is excited for his future, for the privilege to serve our country. Susie is excited about starting building a basis for her future, to get away from a town that never really felt like home to her. And Jay is excited to finally be pursuing his passion, even if he is a homebody who is really nervous about leaving. And I love them all, and I want them to be happy.

But I also want to be happy, too, and losing so many people at once is not going to help that.

I have terrible separation anxiety, on top of all the other problems that I have. And I'm really terrified of losing people, and I'm really terrified of being alone, and I really hate making it all about me but for whatever reason I just can't help it.

I'm tired of losing friends, whether it's because they move away or get in relationships or just get too busy for me, I'm just tired of it. I just need a friend who's not going to leave me, who's going to stay right here and be there for me.

I'm going through so much as it is, I just really need a friend.

I feel so alone.
June 21st, 2017 at 06:46am