What's Behind the Smiling Face You See.

What’s Behind the Smiling Face You See.
Everyday I wake up in misery. I have to drag myself from my bed, not because I don’t want to go to work or I don’t want to face the day, but because it literally hurts to be in this body that bares so much weight and damage. I lay there feeling the same way every single morning, like I’m nothing, like the life that everyone sees is a 1000 pound jacket that I have to wake up and put on but I know that its fake…
No one sees the damage that you caused me under that jacket. No one sees that I hate myself every fucking day because I let myself become a victim. I let you take advantage of me and yes it was to stop you form beating my mother but I could have told someone. Instead I let myself continue to be a toy for a whole year and a half. I gave you my body and didn’t expect for it to be damaged when it got returned. I was so wrong. My body doesn’t feel like my body anymore. It feels used, it feels broken and I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to have it anymore! I don’t want to be here anymore, because this amazing life that I have built for myself doesn’t feel like i should be the one living it. I don’t feel worthy of it.
I wake up to the proof in my underwear everyday. What the doctors just can’t seem to treat or get rid of is a lingering reminder of how you’ve really f**ked with my body and even sitting here typing this is yet another way of how you’ve f**ked my brain and now what am I? No one will love me like this! Bat shit crazy and the proof that I let another man take advantage of me in my underwear? So what is there to love? My personality? Yeah thats that 1000 pound jacket that I told you about because guess what I don’t know who the fuck I am in all reality.
But I have my smiling face to lean on and my 1000 pound jacket so that maybe I might trick someone into thinking that I’m not to fucked up in the head to be loved, and maybe just maybe, ill feel happy again even for just a second because its been so fucking long. So long.
Wishful thinking right.