The Bad Won't Last Forever, Right?

Now Playing: Blindness - Metric
I wanna leave but the world won't let me go.

I really love being back and active on Mibba again, because it's a good reminder that I'm not so alone right now, and I really need that. It's been a long time since I've been able to put my thoughts out for others to read, and I guess I really missed that. It's really hard to keep everything to yourself all the time.

The truth is, no matter how much therapy and how many different medications, I still feel like I'm not improving - which, logically, I know is ridiculous, because I can tell just from looking back through my journals and also how I deal with things in general that I'm getting better. But that doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm losing my mind.

About a month or so ago, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. My doctor was hesitant to even diagnose it at all, because she knows it's not something most medical professionals take seriously. And although it made me feel better having a textbook reason for some of the things I do and why I am the way I am - along with all the other diagnoses I have - it also made me feel...weird. I feel almost foreign in my own body, because I feel like my whole life is just me achieving new levels of crazy.

Tomorrow, I'm going to take my brother to lunch. This will kind of be our last chance to hang out, just me and him, before he's gone. We're having my parents' anniversary party on Saturday, which my brother will be there for, but tomorrow will kind of be our last hoorah, just the two of us. He was supposed to spend time with me Monday and Tuesday while I was off work and my parents were out of town, but he wanted to hang out with his friends instead.

He leaves Sunday for Nashville for MEPS, which we'll be spending the night in Nashville Sunday night anyway. He's sworn in on Monday, and then shipped off to Fort Benning to start his basics. If he does alright, we'll see him in November. But he's more or less gone for three years. My punkass shitty brat badass sweetheart little brother is going into the Army, and has a more guaranteed future than I could ever hope for.

Our customer service manager at work just quit, because she got a new (read: better) job elsewhere. I applied for her position, but I guess it kind of hit me how foolish it is to even try. I'm so tightly wound, and on such a short rope most of the time. I don't really ever think before I say anything. I mean, I have a lot of customer service experience, with all the jobs I've worked. And I'd like to think I'm pretty good at what I do. But there are just some things that remind me why I'd never get a management position, probably anywhere. Including the fact that I'm a little very bossy.

And I like to think I have a good personality, and I try to keep on good terms with everyone, but sometimes I just get so irritated I can't stop my tongue. It's hard for me to see my good qualities when all anyone talks about and all I ever think about are my bad ones. It's a little exhausting sometimes to constantly be so hard on myself, but I just don't know how to stop.

I just generally feel like my life is a mess all the time. I'm trying to figure out where and why I'm holding all this stress in my body, but I can't find a source for any of it. And my sleep schedule is so messed up, too. When the sun is up, I'm so exhausted, so worn out, I can't help but sleep. But then the moon rises and it's night and I'm like, okay, I'm wide awake, this is great. And I've tried everything the internet and my doctor and my mom have told me to do, and I just can't get it to change. It's like my circadian rhythm is permanently in reverse. It's exhausting.

And it's exhausting that sometimes I can sleep "normal" hours, and then sometimes I don't sleep at all, and then sometimes I have to sleep for 14+ hours just to feel well rested. My body is such a mess.

And I've been having so many issues with dissociation, and I can't believe how much time I'm losing, and how I never really feel like I'm in my body, and how nothing ever really feels real, and...good god, I'm so tired of my brain.

One of my constant crises is the fact that I never asked to be born. I didn't want to live through all the trauma I've faced. I don't want to grow up, be an adult, work my life away and pay taxes. I did not ask for any of this. Why am I being punished just because my parents didn't practice safe sex? It's kind of stupid, in my honest opinion. But I think everybody feels like this at one point. I just think it's stupid I have to grow up and do all of these things just because it's what I'm supposed to do. I don't want to. I shouldn't have to.

So, yes, I'm feeling a hundred types of whiny baby tonight. I can't really help it, because there's only so much you can hold in before you start losing your mind.

My whole body hurts. My head hurts, I'm cramping like crazy - which is another thing, by the way. Why does my body punish me for not getting pregnant? Like no, idiot, we don't want a child nor can we care for one.


Anyway, sorry about all the whining. I'm just feeling some type of way.

I hope you guys are having a better night than I am.
June 30th, 2017 at 07:23am