Goodbyes Hurt | Mind Change About Camp NaNo

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Your eyes are lined in pain, black tears don't hide in rain.

We got some pretty good pictures of my brother taking his oath this morning. You can add me on Facebook if you're interested in those. You can also find me on twitter, tumblr, and my snapchat is dumbravioli.

So we spent just about the entirety of these past two weeks having one long party for my brother. Drinking and food and sitting poolside and all sorts of fun stuff. And Sunday morning, we dropped him off at his recruiter's office so he could ride to Nashville with him.

We followed a few hours after he left. It was me and my mom; Eli's best friends Tyler, Joseph, and Easton; Easton's mom Tanya and his sister Savannah. We stayed at the Millennium Maxwell House Hotel in Nashville, the same hotel my brother was in. He was on the 4th floor with the rest of the shippers, while we stayed on the 6th floor. The girls had a room and the boys had a room.

We went out for dinner that night and walked the strip downtown. Took pictures of Bridgestone Arena and went into Coyote Ugly and walked all over Downtown Nashville. We went to Demos' for dinner, which was pretty good, and managed to catch a cab back to the hotel (which is, in and of itself, an entirely different kind of hilarious that I can't even begin to touch on). Eli went to bed. Mom and Tanya sat outside by the pool and talked about whatever. Savannah and I watched The Hunger Games while occasionally stepping out to smoke a cigarette. There was a dog in the parking lot who probably belonged to someone who didn't care - she was way too skinny but she was so sweet. I cried for her. Tyler, Joseph, and Easton went back downtown, getting drunk and rejected by girls and paying way too much of a cover charge.

I'm not sure what time they finally got back (it was late) but I do know we woke up way too early this morning (well, I guess since it's now 1:07am, it would be yesterday morning, but whatever). After we'd taken Eli out to eat last night, he'd come back to the hotel room and got so sick he threw up everything he'd eaten because of his nerves. Then he left with his recruiter at 4:30am to go to the MEPS building.

We got there at 9 and I was surprised that it was quite a quick event. Our middle school Math and Science teachers drove up (Mrs. Black, the science teacher, has gone through this with her son and then three other boys prior to Eli since two years ago), and it was really nice of them to join us. She told us that typically they ship all four branches at once, but today was only Army and Air Force.

The boy Eli was rooming with at the hotel, Nathan, didn't have any family come to say goodbye to him, so we sort of adopted him and kept him close most of the morning, even getting some pretty good pictures with him. I can't imagine just letting your son/brother/best friend just leave without coming to say goodbye. It's heartbreaking to me that he was alone...I can't even think about everyone else who was alone as well.

After all the boys took their oath, we headed back inside. They ate while they had a little bit of "family time" and then it started pouring down rain. It almost felt like a sign from God, like He was telling me "It's going to be okay." Rain has always been incredibly relaxing and comforting to me.

We got to hug them goodbye briefly as they walked and boarded their shuttles that would be delivering them to each different base they were heading off to. And Eli and Nathan took off in the rain, running together and keeping pace like they'd been brothers forever. And within only moments, their van pulled out, and they were gone.

The next group that left were Air Force, going to a different base. There was a guy who was saying goodbye to his twin brother. They hugged, said their quick goodbyes, and as the twin walked away, his brother just collapsed into the arms of his girlfriend and just sobbed. That made me tear up a bit, and I felt so intrusive looking in on such a heartbreaking moment.

And then, in the pouring rain, we walked down the steps and got into our cars and drove away. And it still hasn't hit me that my brother is gone for at least 14 weeks. I cried about the lost dog, cried about the twin who was left behind, but haven't cried over my brother leaving. My parents are an emotional wreck, all of his friends are emotional wrecks, and I'm It just hasn't hit me yet. But I know when it does it's going to hurt pretty bad.

This will be the first year in my memory of celebrating a birthday without him here.

And since this month has been already and will continue to be so busy, I've decided not to do Camp NaNo. I'm still gonna run with the story idea I had, because I really like it, but I just can't make myself try to stick to a schedule right now. I'm too...empty.

It doesn't matter how many psychology classes I take, I don't think I'll ever understand why humans feel the things they do.

So with that, I'm going to take my meds. I'm going to cover up and coil myself into a blanket burrito, and keep catching up on some sleep that I've been missing out on.

Stay cool.
July 4th, 2017 at 08:23am