From That Time When We Were Close - Entry #2

I look around and see so many faces...I thought college would be different than high school...but I see the popular crowd...the nerds...the class clowns...the drama dorks...the goth kids...then there's me...the loner...the one who knows so many people but somehow manages to always be alone. I hate it...but there's nothing that I can do about it...I'm the person that no one wants to hang out with. I'm the one who can't keep any friends...I'm the one that no one wants around....I'm the one who makes so many mistakes and if I'm remembered by anyone then that's why...I'm the one who hasn't had a boyfriend in years...I'm the one who's not good enough...I'm the one who's not pretty enough...so...from now on...this is me...I'm that person who no one will miss...I can leave without saying goodbye and no one will notice...I can disappear forever ...and no one will care...I'm the one who's too screwed up...I'm the one who knows countless people in the room but am lucky if even one stops to say hi...I'm the one who will do just about anything for someone else...but they wouldn't ever do the same for me...I'm the one who will wait hours for someone...because I always try to think the best of them...it sucks. I wish that things were different. I wish that just once I could know what it feels like for someone to care for me the way I do for them...but well...this is me...and I have to deal with it. So college. Sophomore year...technically it's halfway done because I've been here for 3 semesters...and I know my next semester will be very sad because it will be without him...the one who understands me...the one who somehow manages to always put a smile on my face. The one who isn't afraid to correct me or call me out. The one that I'm forever thankful for. But I don't know what he feels about me...if he likes me I'm not sure it's as strong as my feelings for him...and lopsided feelings...well that's just a disaster. I've made that mistake already and don't want it to happen again. I guess I'll just have to wait...I hate waiting. I'm the worlds most impatient human...and it seems I always have to wait...wait for a friend...wait for a guy...even wait for God. What is this? I'm not sure I understand.. I wish it was different but alas...this is the way it is...so what do I do in the midst of my waiting? I grow...I learn...I become okay being friends less. I become okay being alone. I'm a writer. I write my feelings and emotions. I write songs poems stories and letters. I started a letter to him...but he probably won't ever see it...I tell him my feelings...how much I care....but maybe nows not the right time...maybe I have to be alone and be okay with it before anything can happen. I can do that....right? I'm pretty sure. Some days I climb buildings, walk on top of the roofs and look out over the edge. I imagine that I'm flying. I imagine that things will all be okay in the end. I imagine that the end will be soon. Will it? Now that I don't know...but I have to stick it out until then. I have to learn. I have to grow. I have to live. I can't live my life in fear. If I have to be alone, I will. If I have to be okay, I will. I have to become the best me that is possible. Maybe that means being alone. I will do that for the next 2 weeks. I'll be alone. I'll stay alone. Only contact will be with work, and classes. That's it. Nothing more. I wanna see if anyone notices...I wanna see if he notices...