My Journey so far

If you had asked me 10 years ago what I would be doing with my life by the time I was 25 I would have said that I would be a successful business woman working towards owning my own beauty salon. I wouldn’t have said I would be a stay at home mum with two kids and struggling to even get through a single day without breaking down. And yet here I am, mother to two amazing little kids and wondering where the hell has the time gone.

It’s funny how fast life passes you by when you have kids. Every second of everyday is taken up with looking after the baby, feeding the toddler, taking the kids to and from school. It’s a never-ending cycle, finding time just to be yourself is hard. I applaud all you women who can still find the time to do things for yourself, even if it is just a five-minute coffee break.

No one ever tells you how much you sacrifice for your children. That your entire world will suddenly and automatically revolve purely around them, and it’s not like we mind either. I’d give everything and more for my kids, even if it means I suffer in the process. Just seeing their smile or hearing them laugh is enough. Nothing makes me happier than knowing my kids are happy.

But with all of this comes the dark truth that plenty of mothers out there are struggling and suffering, I’d be the first to admit that I’m one of them. It’s no secret, it’s hard. What we do isn’t easy and we don’t get any breaks, yes, it is rewarding and yes, it is the most wonderful thing in the world. But having your life turned completely upside down is hard to wrap your head around.

My breakdown moment happened only a few months ago. I started realising I wasn’t really coping and I was really finding it hard to get through the days. My life had complete flipped in on itself. Nothing was really going right. My son was battling issues at school with behaviour, fine and gross motor skills and his speech. I’d take him out of school constantly to take him to all his appointments to get him back on track and to get him tested for ADHD. My daughter was only 7/8 months at the time and she was becoming a handful, crawling all over the place, teething, constantly sick and going to the hospital every so often. My loving partner worked away and even then, he had his own problems to deal with and didn’t seem to have much time for me. My family was also going through issues with the family business not to mention their own private issues at home. I was in the middle of all of it trying to keep it all together. Trying to make everything seem normal, when it reality it was me who was suffering the most.

I was starting to feel isolated and alone, I was stressed out. I wasn’t dealing with what was going on. I tried to push it aside constantly, I would sit on the couch and just stare at my phone praying that a miracle would happen and all my problems would be solved.

My family was always supportive of me and I knew they would be there for me if ever I needed them. My mum was a big supporter of mine. She was the one who would help me get through the toughest of days, when it felt like I just couldn’t do it anymore. When it just felt like I had, had enough and I just wanted it all to go away. But then one day she wasn’t there anymore, and it was only me left to deal with everything again, all on my own and I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to think my son had issues, my daughter was clingy and needy, my partner was away and the house was a mess. I just wanted it all to disappear.

I knew what it was I needed to do. What I needed to get done to make everything go back to normal, and believe me I tried. But every time I tried to move forward it was like something kept pulling me back. Like I was taking one step forward and 3 steps back. I was in this big black hole struggling to find a way out and it was beginning to suffocate me.

Every day I would think I had failed my kids that I wasn’t a good enough mum for them that I wasn’t doing my best, the list went on. My kids’ failures felt like my failures and it really broke me inside. I didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to really deal with it. I would panic whenever I was told about an issue my son had, I would blame myself for not knowing, not seeing or not doing more. I felt helpless against this pain of knowing I failed. I know my kids didn’t see me that way and I know that this wasn’t the truth but trying to get me out of feeling like that was near impossible and because of it I shut everyone out.

I have no friends because I would push them aside, too embarrassed to even talk to them about what was going on. I didn’t want to be lectured, told off or ridiculed. Whenever they would message or call I would ignore it, move on and hope that they would just disappear. Slowly and surely, they did, one by one. I was left alone like I wanted, left to suffer on my own. It was my own way of sabotaging myself. I would think I shouldn’t have friends, I don’t deserve friends. My friends wouldn’t understand what I’m going through so why even try. I pushed away everyone that was just trying to help me better myself. My family included.

Working on myself has been tough, finding my life goal and purpose is tough. But I am trying. Now I try and get through as much as I can within the day, just taking it a day at a time. Trying to take deep breathes and let the bad thoughts go, but I still feel them. I still have that little voice in the back of my head saying “why bother? There’s always going to be another issue, another sickness, another messy room.” But I try and push through it, even though that voice might be right and I don’t know what may be around the corner I do try to strive forward, to keep on moving. Because I know that if I don’t I will end up right back where I was a few months ago, when ending it all seemed like the best and easiest solution.
July 13th, 2017 at 02:52am