We Might Have a Third Child

My mind is just an utter mess right now. I'm freaking out beyond recognition because I haven't been using birth control due to the side effects. Now, I know that it's a foolish decision considering we don't really want a third child, especially so soon after welcoming our second into the world. I mean, if it happens, it happens. We can accept it and make plenty of money to care for it. I just don't want to go through another c-section. That's literally the only thing bothering me about it. That and I'll have to wean Orion off the breast just to have to put another one on it like a month later which is a little annoying.

Anyway, I don't even know if I'm pregnant. We've been using condoms and stuff but there were two incidents where we didn't. We all know, it only takes one accident to make a baby. So I'm waiting on my period which is nerve wracking. I've had it twice since my son was born back in April. I didn't start having my period until June which apparently is normal when breastfeeding. It's been wonky these past two times, but consistent in arriving. I'm giving myself until the end of the week to start and if I don't I'm going to get a test and probably have a panic attack.

I keep looking at my kids and I'm just like aww, I love you both so much but I also just want to enjoy having them for a while longer (like three years) before even thinking about having another. I just have to make it until next March before I can get another IUD (mine fell out). Stupid three year rule.

Either way, I get to name it. Not much of a prize in my opinion but I see it as yes, my boyfriend works very hard to provide for us but I carry these kids for ten months (my son was actually 10 1/2 months!) and then I breastfeed them and care for them at home for the following year and don't ever ask to leave them with him. So, I get to name them.

I just want to write and distract myself but I'm stuck. I have writers block and I just started my latest story The Eighth Sea. I'm thinking that maybe it's due to the stress of my possible pregnancy (I'm really hoping that I'm not). I feel so stupid for getting drunk and having sex with my boyfriend. He says he pulled out but I don't believe that that is an effective way to prevent babies. I'm just going crazy.