The One Who Got Away: For Women and Men.

I'm not sure what category something like this falls under but I feel like this is something that I must get off my mind, something I must share with others.

A few years ago, I met this guy online, December 26th 2015, to be exact. He and I were both looking for a "no strings attached" type of relationship and I honestly felt comfortable enough from talking to him online so I figured, "aw, what the heck".

He picked a spot to meet up near where he lived, which was a view point that overlooked the city and we decided to meet up at about 4:30 pm. When I arrived the sun was still shining and I felt like, "how could this guy be a killer, he wants to meet up in broad daylight?" (Insert shrugging emoji here).

Luckily for me, he wasn't.

He was this cute guy, who looked just like his picture and got out of his car to meet me. He smiled as he looked at me and he said, "wow.. you're beautiful" and that's when I noticed he had braces. I wasn't bothered by it and it didn't make me less attracted to him.

Anyways, we get into his car and right away I felt weird. I didn't feel weird because I was scared but I felt weird because I felt safe... with a stranger... whom I just met. I felt safe. Like I've known him my whole life.

Anyways, we get to talking about everything. From sundown until about sunrise (from 4:30pm until about 8:30 am). I felt like wow, this guy is amazing... but this can't turn into a relationship. This can't turn into something more than what we talked about. Why? Because I just got out of a really horrible, abusive relationship 9 months before I met him. So I wasn't looking for anything.

Anywho, we said our goodbyes and I honestly thought that I wasn't going to hear from him again but the next morning he sent me a text saying, "When can I see you again?" Of course I told him he could see me that day! From there we started a pattern.

I saw him about 2-3 times a week and we'd spend about 4-5 hours together.

It was amazing... except for one thing. He was too sweet. He wouldn't always rush into sex. He'd kiss me hello, he'd hug me goodbye, he'd pay attention to little things that I've told him and he'd want me to to tell him when I've made it home. He cared and he was slowly winning me over and it scared me.

After that I started making it all about sex.. I know what you're thinking... Why didn't you just end it? Well, good question. It's because I already cared. I didn't want to lose the physical connection that we had. So I started rejecting him, and he started getting the "this is only sex" hint and that's when I realized I wanted more...

It was already too late because he decided he was over it and made it only physical. Around April 2016 (4 months after we met) I decided to tell him that I liked him. I said, "I think you should know that I caught feelings... If you want to end things that's fine but I just want you to know..." He didn't reply for two whole days and he only replied then because I bugged him! He finally replied and said, "I think that you're a cool girl but I'm not ready for a relationship right now. I think we should stop having sex too".

I have no idea why but I was crushed. Literally felt like the end of the world for me.

I've been in relationships before, I've been hurt before but for some reason with him I felt this was different. This is because I felt like he could be the one... I left him alone and literally a week to the day he sent me a text, "Wanna come over?"

Now. I know what you're all thinking, "why would she go over knowing it's just a booty call and he doesn't like her?" Well, because it was good and I was hopeful!

Anywho, I went over and decided not to act weird, not to bring up the past and just play it cool. We continued like that until about June 2016 (7 months after we met) and then I decided that I couldn't just hang on to him anymore because I realized I was falling HARD for this guy.

It wasn't just the amazing sex. We always spent about 4-5 hours just talking to each other and sharing stories and life experiences so I was falling for him and I realized he would never feel that way for me again. So I tried moving on.

I met this other guy, lets call him Joe, and Joe was cool; a nice distraction. We started dating and I almost forgot about the other guy. Except I thought about him every second of everyday. I then broke it off with Joe around December 2016 (1 year after meeting the other guy).

This was after I told the other guy, lets call him Moe, that I met someone and that I couldn't be with him. What Moe guy said in response to that had me floored. He said, "can I be honest with you?" "I'm in love with who you are. Your soul and your spirit. I'm afraid of what I don't understand and our connection scares me. You're a queen in a world full of lies and any guy who gets you would be lucky to have you". I know what you're thinking, "how corny, he just wants sex" erm, no. He's not that type of guy.

So I broke up with Joe and then I text Moe asking if I could see him one last time, he said "yes". We met up and we had the most intense physical and emotional connection we have ever had together.

Moe let his guard down and tried to win me back. I saw him cry in front of me and he saw me cry in front of him and then that was it... I didn't tell him that I broke it off with Joe; I just let it be.

We didn't talk until about February 2017 (1 year, 2 months after we met) when he got back from dropping his son off. He told me that he missed me. We spoke that whole time on his drive from Texas to Las Vegas.

I realized that I wanted him and no one else. I realized that I really only cared about him - beyond the sex - and I wanted to be with him. So we talked, started going on dates and on April 22, 2017 (1 year, 4 months after I met him) I became his girlfriend.

Now keep up because this is where it gets crazy.

We slipped up and I got pregnant... on May 26-27th (1 month into dating) I had an abortion. It broke me, literally ruined me and subconsciously I blamed him. He never coerced me and he encouraged me to make my own decisions and said that he would support anything except for adoption; but when we were discussing options he said, "just remember, i'll always have a family that'll always come first before this one". THAT is what made me make the final decision for abortion. He didn't even realize the magnitude of his words and how it sounded. It hurt.

He stood by me though, throughout the whole ordeal.

He never talked about it after it happened or even engaged in conversation with me about how I felt.

Mid-June of 2017 (2 months into dating) I started feeling like I was losing my sanity. How could I do that? How could he let me and then how dare he just act like everything is okay.

I started to resent him, pick fights with him over little things, have random emotional breakdowns and eventually I pushed him away...

I know what you're thinking now, "well, fuck him, how could he do that to you if he really cared?" Here's the catch, he did care... he always did but that's how HE deals with with things. He tries to push it behind him and he tries to talk things out rationally and I didn't want that. I wanted him to breakdown with me and regret the decision that we both made in-spite of everything else.

On August 6th, 2017 (4 months into dating) he broke up with me.

Let me tell you guys. I was/am a mess. All I keep doing is replaying every single moment good and bad over and over again in my head. I realized that I pushed him away. I hurt him. He cared, he broke down his walls, he went out of his way to be there for me in so many ways and I pushed him away because he wasn't responding in the way that I wanted. He didn't show me love in the way that I'm used to so I kept testing him; pushing him.

It wasn't right or fair but in my defense I didn't realize that I was doing this until 36 hours after he broke up with me.

The point of this is to say; if you found the one, and I mean really found the one... don't mess it up. Don't lose out on him. Us women have a bad habit of lashing out on men when we feel they don't care enough and when we let our insecurities take over; we lose them.

My man, my ex, was a great man. He has been through A LOT in his life. Divorced and they have a son and he strives on. He loved and cared for me despite his doubts and all I did was show him that "all women are the same".

This is very important: Do not, do not, take your man for granted.

Do not overlook the small things and remember; Men are simple.

Not all women are like me, some of y'all have your stuff together and I applaud you but to those of us who are trying to get our stuff together, who feel that we are incapable of love; take a step back and think it all through, calmly and carefully because I would never, ever wish this pain on anyone. Not even my worse enemy.

I'm not giving up though. I'm giving him his space and I'm waiting because I really believe in us.