Everyone knows I was very heavily affected by the loss of Chester Bennington.
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A week after Chester died, literally seven days, my dad passed away. He died of a heart attack while locked in his running car at Target. My mum walked inside to check for some little kid motorbikes and walked back out not ten minutes later and he was gone. He died by himself in his brand new car, after getting helmets for his brand new motorbike, that he didn't get to ride yet because they didn't have helmets.
I had just moved to Oregon. I was a week away from going to see him in the shitty little town he died in for my name change. I was going to be his daughter 100% and he died before he could call me by my new name. He died before I could say I love you again. He died before I could hug him again.
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The funeral was awful. I couldn't stop crying. My cousins - my brothers and sisters, really, because my dad and mom basically raised all of us together - we couldn't stop crying. My nephew, only eight years old, I couldn't keep it together watching him cry. My dad was his only father figure. And now he's gone. And none of us can thank him for all of his love and support.
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Almost a full month later, my boyfriend's father got in a horrible, horrible accident. This was Sunday. He was coming back to this shitty little town to see his wife who was stuck here until the house sold, and some idiot racing on the road lost control of his car and hit my father in law.
My father in law didn't make it.
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The asshole walked away with just minor injuries.
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I'm in this shitty little town again with my boyfriend and his family and I've got no idea what to say to any of them. They tried so hard to be there for me when my dad died, and I'm still reeling over my dad passing away.
My boyfriend hugs his friends like they're his only solace. But he hasn't hugged me once.
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I had begun to think of Mike as a father figure. And now he's gone and it feels like it's my fault.
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I'm pretty open about the fact that I was raped when I was a kid. I probably haven't told much of Mibba but there ya go. The reason I bring this up is because it was my biological father.
And now... with all of my male role models gone... it just feels like it's a curse to be a male role model to me. Like I'm not allowed to have that kind of figure in my life.
It hurts so much. I lost all of them so fast. I want my dad back. I want Mike back. I want this all to be a bad bad dream.
This is the article about the crash if you're interested.
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