Bittersweet

I always said I never wanted kids. But, it sadly took a miscarriage to change my mind.

You see, ovarian, uterine, and cervical cancer runs in my family. It led to two miscarriages for my mother in four years before she had my baby brother when I was five and my sister was four. She also had many complications with my brother which led him to being born prematurely. When she was in her mid thirties, she had to have a hysterectomy because, and I quote, ‘the plumbing was too broke and caused more harm than good’.

When I was thirteen, my mother warned me that because of our familial illness, that there was a chance that I would never be able to have children. And at the time, I was content with that. It didn't bother me. I mean, I am the oldest of thirteen grandchildren on my mother’s side. I've helped raise children since I was five years old. Changing diapers, making bottles, bathing, burping, etc. So, at that moment in time, I was more than alright with the probability of never having children.

I was nineteen when I met the man that would become my husband. And believe me when I tell you, it was love at first sight. I had never fallen so hard, so fast. But, I loved every second with him. And I still do.

It was just before my twentieth birthday when I noticed that something was off. Aunt Flo visited like clockwork. The last week of every month. And I was late. And I was scared.

A whole lot of water and three tests later, I knew. I was going to be a mother. And I was petrified with fear.

I was so mad at myself. I had always made sure, since I was eighteen years old, to be careful. Use condoms. Birth control. Never slip up. But I did. And for a moment, just a fraction of a moment, I didn't want this baby. However, since I don't believe in abortion, I took responsibility for my actions. And it was in that moment, when I realized that I was going to be a mother, that I became ecstatic!

Jason and I were so excited. We told everyone. We began planning and looking at all the things we would need. We budgeted our money better, I stopped smoking, and for a while, everything was perfect. But that all changed.

About three weeks after I found out, I was at work. Then, suddenly, I started bleeding. Heavily. It was then that I knew, something wasn't right.

My boss told me to call Jason and go to the ER. When we got there, and the doctor took a look at me, he told me that he couldn't tell if I had lost the baby or not. He told me to take it easy, wrote me a doctor's excuse to take a few days off, and told me to wait for my first appointment with the OB/GYN. When we got home, Jason held me while I cried.

The next three weeks dragged on, and before I knew it, we were at my OG/GYN. Sadly, they came into the waiting room, a sad look on their face as they explained to me. I had miscarried. Lost my baby before it ever got a chance to live.

Jason and I were shattered and I cried as we drove home. We then lay in bed all day, our hands on my belly as we cried. Cried over the loss of our child. Our family. Our future. We cried well into the evening before eventually succumbing to exhaustion. And after we woke, we cried some more.

I was so afraid and upset that I really would never have children. But then, a miracle happened!

Just a few months later, I was late. And a few days later, I once again found out that I was pregnant. And this time, I managed to carry my precious rainbow baby to full term. I am so glad to say that she is happy and healthy and perfect in every way. And while I may not have ever had the chance to see or meet my first baby, I will always love my little angel.

To any woman who has suffered the same pain as myself, always remember, that even though your little miracle never had their chance to live, you were that angel’s mother. You will always be that angel's mother, and no one can take that away from you.