Tell Me How to Feel

I'm headstrong and confident. I scoff at the idea of being weak and unsure. Insecurities are not real. Deployments do not stand in my way of my relationship.

I wish all of these things were super true. At times, I feel strong and confident in myself to carry on at home while he is away defending our country and fighting a lengthy, dangerous battle. I feel the need to pretend to be strong and confident but deep down I know I have those unhealthy urges of doubt seeping in. Where does it come from and why is it here?

Am I insecure or is this doubt real?

I say out loud to myself that just because you haven't heard from him, doesn't mean he doesn't care. I find myself getting a piece of communication from him and being overwhelmed with joy and afterwards, waiting patiently for the next one. If I don't get that attention within a day or two, I feel my doubt meter rising and rising. Everytime he communicates with me, the meter resets and I start over again. I don't know why or how to stop this doubt.

Is it even doubt? Or is it just me being silly? Or is it just me being conditioned from previous relationships that I somehow, subconsciously, have yet to get over for the most part?

It's definitely a fear. A fear that while he's away and even when he's home, the doubt could be real and it could be a vibe that he's releasing. Maybe it's just me.

I'll get in my car, I'll be alone with no one in sight, and I'll just let the emotions just flow out of me. I'll start yelling and asking questions as if trying to get him to converse with me and answer me but there's nothing. He's not here and I know it. I scream "I know it's a lie. All of this is a lie" I scream my insecurities to hear them out loud. Are they as irrational and ridiculous as they sound in my head?

I sound like a lunatic. I sound like a maniac. But I just know that I'm scared. I'm scared because this love that I believe we share, I want to feel that it is so real. Maybe it is real and I've never touched something so real before and it's scary. I don't know. But I know I'm scared. I'm so scared that I let the rest of my fears seep in. I let them fester and creep and rule my mind.

My worst fear isn't him dying although it should be. My worst fear isn't him coming home injured, although it should be. My worst fear comes in a form of heavy thoughts and a rain of doubt. Maybe he will be home or maybe he will still be away. The worst fear is still there. It'll be a normal day like any day and I don't and won't feel any different. I'll wake up just as he and go about my day like I would. He'll think about me and all of a sudden it's a different kind of thought. It takes only a second and he'll realize my flaws and everything that sucks. And even though before, he fell in love with me regardless of these things, now it is totally different.

He'll maybe look at a picture of me and that pang in his heart disappears and I no longer hold his heart in my hands because he knows how to live without me. He knows he can and he will and in this split second, it all changes. I'm no different and neither is he but he no longer feels the need to keep me as a priority and no longer feels the need to reach out. Or he's home, wakes up and looks at me and that sunken feeling creeps in.

- You'll look at me and realize that you no longer love me and I won't know it until you tell me. -

It'll be an ordinary extraordinary day because in that moment you realized this, everything we have is gone and a big chunk of my life will disappear and I don't even know it. How do I prepare for something that may not even happen. Having a first aid kit for a heart break does not exist. How do I prepare myself for the worst to come and still feel like I have all this hope in the world that damn, I really have found a good guy, someone to call home and my forever. Tell me how to feel.

I can't understand the way I feel and why I keep feeling this way while he's gone. He talks to me like normal and communicates as much as he can I'm sure. But the feeling never goes away. My meter of doubt begins to stop resetting.

I don't want to be strong and confident that this love that was once so pure and good, will be no more.

Comments welcome. If you feel this blog in your soul and are fighting with something similar, don't hesitate.