Stress and an Outlet No One Will Find

So it has been a while since I last wrote an entire in this blog. I just remember it gave be some relief when I felt like the pressure is on. I still can't spell, nor do I care how my spelling is in this moment. So I have an amazing boyfriend of a year. If I was younger I would have thought this would solve all of my problems. But, as I have grown older, and been in different relationships, I realized a boy will not solve anything. I mean it is great to have someone there to love and support you, and make sure you are okay. However, depression is a bitch, and she is staying for a long while.

My current problem is with my relationship. Nothing is wrong with him or myself. I love him with all my heart, and for once in my life I am not afraid of a future with someone. That is all great for me, but there is a little voice in my head. This voice likes to tell me the opposite of what he says, and it hurts and confuses me. He will say "I love you very much" and kiss me, the voice will say over him "No he doesn't. He is just using you". Like there is something strange about this voice, and at the same time it is trying to convince me to break up with him. It's reasoning is because he deserves to be with someone so much better than me. Even though I know I want this unknown future with him. Worst part is he knows about the little depression and anxiety voice in my head. So when I try to pull away, he will try his hardest to hold me tight. The problem here is the fact that I am good at lying, and I have learned him. With that he has learned me, but has not picked up on my acting skills. Or how the little voice likes to say "he doesn't want to notice that you are lying to him". I don't know why I am trying to push him away. Even now I am writing this on here because I know he won't see it. I am so scared of hurting him, and yet i am convincing myself he is hurting me. At the same time I am confused about my relationship. I can't tell if I actually want to be in it or not. It is the voice, it hurts to even type the possibility that I don't want to be with him, so why am I telling myself otherwise. I am literally trying to find any reason to break up with him, subconsciously and I know I am.

That is also why I am so afraid to hurt him. I want to just run away. Sure it will hurt, but at least I won't be there to hold him back. He is so smart, funny, kind, cute, and trustworthy, where I am a complete mess. I already hurt him once, and I can'bare to do it again.

Also the school year just started and I am ready to give up. There is just that extra stress of finishing again. I forgot to waive the student health insurance, I missed most of my first assignments last week. I took on too much, and now I am freaking out.

I am okay though i just needed a space to write this out. Where no one I know will find it and where i know my private thoughts are safe. And the real me knows very well the opposite of all i said is true.

~Anisha