She's Gone

Somewhere around eight months ago I posted a blog, after not writing one in years, about how I wasn't ready to lose my grandmother.

Almost a month ago, Sept. 1, she actually passed away. To be honest, I don't think I've completely come to terms with it yet, but I think what makes me "okay" right now is the fact that she had been telling me a lot lately she was "ready". She had been sick for a long time already and I know her body was just so tired of fighting. But she wasn't completely bedridden anything...which was why it took me by surprise. (We aren't 100% on what the UCOD is but we are pretty sure it was a heart attack). I am so thankful I went to visit her the day before and spent a few hours with her.

The first week or so I didn't dream about her at all and I was hoping/wishing - I might have even prayed that I would. And then, finally, I dreamt about her six nights in a row and she was visiting me in one way or another (in the dreams she had either already passed on or was about to pass on - which made the dreams that much more real). I was able to tell her everything I have ever wanted her to know if she didn't know it already and she told me what I wanted to hear from her too.

I still feel like I'm not grieving properly though. I've noticed myself mentally block it out at times because if I think about it I'll just cry and I won't stop. We were so close. I've always told everyone I don't know what I'm going to do once she's gone. I've already lost both of my parents. I still have my father's parents but I'm nowhere near as close to them as I was to her. That also makes me feel so guilty but she was my person. I can't explain it. I can't believe she is gone.

My friend Marie and I were talking in the car the other day about losing our loved ones (she lost her dad not too long ago as well) and she was saying how she hates how they just turn into memories because they are so much more than that to us. She just worded it so perfectly.

Hug your loved ones, everyone.