My friend mentioned Mibba today and I realised it had been a long time since I had really thought about it, other than to come and save some of my old poems every so often, I placed this site on a shelf in my memory and life continued on. It's been about two years since I last posted a blog, reading it back I found myself "What the fuck-ing" over so many things because my life has changed so much.
Here is a little bit of a catch up as to how things have been going in my crazy little World since I last wrote a blog on here.
In 2015 I was still in the "I have no direction" stage of my life, I was floating in a boat that was swiftly gaining water and I was too stupid and lazy to do a thing about it. It wasn't all bad though, 2015 also became the year I started to find myself...And it all started with the shaving of my head. It sounds weird I know, but I decided to shave my hair for Shave for a Cure and in doing so I stopped being able to hide my eyes, hide my face behind long hair...I started to actually feel something about myself I had never really accomplished before...That maybe I could be pretty after all. 2015 was also the year I went to Ireland where I got to experience so many wonders and so much beauty, that I still hold so deeply in my heart. It was also the year I started working at Woodlands Early Education Centre...And let me tell you what a fuck of a ride that was.
I was in a constant war between loving my job and wishing I could burn the place down (okay that's a bit far, but honestly some days it was pure hell). I met some wonderful people, grew to love some incredible children but it was also damn hard...
Here we enter 2016.
I decided that I would start a bridging course in the hopes of getting into University to study Secondary Education. My first attempt lasted about six weeks and then I dropped out because my exam dates fell at the same time I was supposed to head to Tasmania with my mum, dad, a very sick Uncle and his partner. Because my Uncle was so sick, I decided to drop the semester and pick it up in the July following my trip. I said it was easy to do, and while I don't have any regrets for doing it, that was a big fucking lie. I was happy I could go away with my family but I started to wonder whether I would ever be able to find the motivation to keep studying come that July.
Long story short, Tasmania was not as great a trip as I expected it to be and I was left going "wellllll fuck". I picked up the bridging course in the July and for the next few months I worked fulltime and studied...It was so much harder than I had anticipated...On early weeks at work I would fall asleep at around 8-9 and feel too dead to do any work...On late weeks I would have the mornings and nothing else...It was fucking hell.
Somehow though, and if you were to ask me in person I would tell you I have no fucking idea how, I passed my bridging course...Even better I got accepted into a Bachelor of Secondary Education Majoring in English and Film and Television....I was over the moon. But it wasn't all happiness and sunshine.
You remember me saying once upon a time that I was estranged from one sister and the other I trusted with my life?? Well wasn't I fucking blind. My dear sister who I trusted so much grew to show her true colours (or rather I eventually stopped seeing in black and white and managed to see the bastards) and life became really damn interesting and really fucking hard...See my niece was in care at my centre...By the very definition of my job description I had to be friendly and help my sister...So while seeing her made my blood boil and speaking to her made me feel conflicted (she's great at acting wonderful to your face you see..) I wanted to love and forgive my sister, but after all she had done to my parents...I finally decided she wasn't worth it. Here we were killing ourselves with self hatred for what my sisters had done...When it was their decision...They still held the power...So it was time to let them go.
At the end of February this year I left Woodlands to head to Uni full-time...Doing so I left behind my niece...I wasn't and am not a complete fool...The likelihood of seeing her again or having her a part of my life is as realistic as catching smoke in my hands...It had been a long time since I had cried as hard as I did that day, and I haven't cried that much since...I will never stop loving my nieces, nor my nephew the latter two whom I lost years before because of my other sister...It hurts me each day knowing that they will forget my face, my name, the way I wiped their tears when they cried, how much I loved them...But in a sense my leaving was better for my niece...It was less confusing for her that way.
I started Uni on February 27th this year and honestly it's been a pretty amazing ride. I've discovered so many strengths and weaknesses and I've slowly started to realise I'm a little braver, and a little smarter than I have ever given myself credit for. I've also really started to heal. Sure I still ache and some days I feel as though I am drowning...But for the most part I am very lucky.
I have wonderful sisters who I chose to have in my life (my closest friends), I still have a nephew in the form of my best friend's child (he's almost three) he may not be of my blood but that little boy is one of the greatest gifts this World, and my heart could ever have been given. My book series is coming along (I don't think I've mentioned it before...Surprise I'm writing a book series), I'm almost at the end of my first year of Uni and I am finally (though hesitantly) beginning to find my place in this World again.
You may have gotten to the end of this, you may have given up reading a lot sooner...If you have made it to here, Thank you.
In this life we are faced with some crazy fucking shit. Some breaks us, some makes us, some tests us and some guides us...I hope for all of our sakes that it is all worth it in the end. Keep your heads up.
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