October 25th 2017
Today, I am starting to feel the stress. Well, more I started to feel it last night.
Now my history with mental illness has been an explosive one to say the least, and it's not something I'll divulge into at this moment in time, but I have been on medication for a very long time. Due to this, my prescription has been cancelled and I need a reassessment. So obviously (since nothing is ever simple) I have not been able to get one for a while since I've had to transfer universities and therefore transfer GP's, which is taking a god awful long time to do. I've been back twice since I returned my forms almost three weeks ago and it still hasn't been sorted, so we are racking on almost a month when I've been without medication.
Last night, I had a mild breakdown/panic attack/whatever last night. It was really unexpected and took me completely off guard, so I ended up having a mild cry and struggled to get to sleep (which isn't unusual but I have a lot of work to do at the moment so I would have rather not have to deal with that). I think that it happened from just a build up of the lack of medication and stress from a lot of things.
Transferring universities has not been fun, and it's weird being new to a group of people who've known each other for two years or so, especially since we now have to do group work. That's been a major route of my problems since it seems everyone in my group really lacks the work ethic I have. I'm trying my damned hardest for a solid first and I get that not everyone wants to, but please, when I arrange a study room so we can sort roles in this group project, don't sit on your phone for an entire two hours whilst I slave over everything on my own. It's just so fucking annoying, and I can't give them the taste of their own medicine because 25% of my grade is at stake here. I am desperate for that first, and I really need it since I am a year behind on funding (I was sick so had to resit the year), and won't get any funding towards a masters. If I get a first however, I can go straight to my PhD instead of having to do the masters which will be a LIFESAVER, and I don't want that to be at risk because of other people.
Also, individual coursework is hard too, but I'm happiest when I feel like I'm working productively and making an impact. I'm putting a lot of effort in and I am seeing the results so I'm proud of myself for that. But again, that's a massive cause of stress which I do not handle well.
Don't even get me started on social interaction. I've been having so many social related panic attacks recently. Even with my housemates who I know pretty well and enjoy having around. It's just infuriating and I get so mad at myself for having this inability to properly bond with people. I know it's beyond my control and it's all brain chemistry and chemical imbalances, but it's still maddening. I just wish I could make a positive impact to that aspect of myself.
Mental illness is tiring and I really don't take care of myself enough. I think I'm heading fast for a breakdown but I don't think I'll be able to stop it. I mean I spent half of today thinking I should find the UK alternative to Adderall and the other half trying to stop my body from shaking because I'm around other people.
Goddamn, I just wish the NHS was a little faster.