please be advised that there are various triggers throughout this! read on with caution.
For those of you that don't know who I'm talking about, it's this man.
So I guess I was around thirteen or fourteen when I started really watching the show, which was about six years ago. At first, it was just a show that I liked. I'd forgotten about it for a while, moved onto other obsessions and TV shows and series, but eventually, I came back to it. Three years ago, I started hearing about the different campaigns the actors created and supported. Always Keep Fighting was one of them and so was Jensen and Misha's You Are Not Alone campaign. Both aimed to bring awareness to different mental health issues and end the stigmas surrounding it after some of the cast members had expressed their own experiences in dealing with it.
In 2015, after following the show and finding out about the amazing charity work (yes, Misha, looking at you) the cast does, my brother and I had our sights set on a convention. We'd heard all the rules surrounding them and listened to different people's experiences. They were a lot of money, but I didn't know if they were worth it.
My first experience was one for the books and trumped any other preconceived notions going in about the guys themselves. I'm telling you guys now, if you have the chance and the money, go. It is so worth it!
I've always battled with depression and anxiety, but things took a drastic turn in June of last year. My mother and I have had a toxic relationship for about as long as I can remember, and it's been years and years of mental abuse. She's told me that she loved us more than our father did (he was more or less in and out of our lives a lot as children and they divorced when I was younger), she's told me that no one would love me because I was 'crazy' (because she believed everything I did and how I felt was for attention), among other things. I was in a rough patch financially, I didn't have motivation to continue school, and I remember sitting on my couch when she showed up at my door, yelling at me.
She ranted about the same things for a good half hour: my boyfriend was going to eventually leave me because he was the same way my father was, my father loved his new wife more than my brother and myself, and I was never going to go anywhere in life because I was going to flunk out of college. My friend stepped up and told her where she could go, and that was the end of that. My boyfriend was at work and my friend decided to leave when I finally lost it. I broke. Something in me had just snapped.
I'd had suicidal thoughts before, but I never tried to take action. I'm sparing the details because I'm still here, but I'd never been at a lower point before than that. I just felt drained. I didn't feel like I mattered or that I belonged or that I had any reason to fight. I was done. The only reason I wasn't attempting to try anything again was because I didn't want to fail and end up stuck in a hospital.
The next day, and I'm not sure to this day why I happened across his livestream, Jared released his You Are Enough campaign. Every word that he said completely resonated with me and I was in tears watching it. Even after the second and third time I watched it, I couldn’t stop crying because someone finally got it. He had said everything that I had been thinking and feeling. I didn't feel so alone anymore.
After that, I decided to get help. I decided to actively start putting myself together again and putting stock in myself. Slowly, but surely, I was starting to believe in myself again. Some days were good, some days were really bad, but it was progress. In August, my boyfriend and I had hit our one year and he surprised me with an upcoming con in January so I could thank Jared in person.
Over the next few months, a lot changed. I stopped taking care of myself, I was in the same rut that I had been in, we had broken up, and I felt myself starting down the same slope. I had relapsed, I was drinking for sport, and I didn't care and not in a good way. And I've found that when you're in this mindset, you sort of attract people that will take advantage of that.
Enter Lane.
He was charming and the stereotypical guy that I would've wanted to date when I was in high school, except he was in high school. Everything was great for a while, until I realized where things started to head. I had to tell him where I was all the time, he didn't trust me and he had started to become rougher, but it was all in my head. He wasn't really turning this way, that's just what I was thinking. Until I told him no one day, and he decided that no wasn't an answer. It wasn't the first time, but it was the first time I could've pinpointed exactly what happened.
Lane and I had been together about two months when convention rolled around, and I remember him telling me I had to text him constantly or I'd be in trouble. He was jealous of everyone, including the cast members. Still, my friends told me to just ignore him and focus on our girl's weekend. So we did.
When Sunday came around, I was a nervous wreck. From everything, I'm sure, but it was time to see Jared again. I had made a poster that I intended on using for our first photo op with him, and I'm going to link it here.
Vittoria was the first to talk to him, and I was holding the sign behind her very awkwardly. I was able to hear a little of it, and she thanked him for saving my life. He was listening, nodding a lot, and then when his eyes met mine, I almost lost it. He pulled V on the other side of him before motioning me forward, shaking his head.
"I want you to know that I didn't save you. You did that for you. We made it here together. We fought this together. I helped a little, but you fought this for you."
As I'm trying to collect myself, he asks if we can hold the sign, and then pulls me into him. Before Chris takes the picture, he runs his hand through my hair and leans down to whisper in my ear, "thank you so much for fighting, girl. Thank you." He kisses my head and then we take the picture and as I'm walking off, he hugs me again and thanks me again with the sincerest expression.
There were other Jared encounters that weekend, but by far, this was the best.
When the weekend was over and we all went back to our respective lives, I realized that I was enough. When I went back to counseling the next day, I told her everything. From Lane, to Jared, to my attempt, to how I had been feeling and how I wanted to change things finally. And I did.
Fast forward to now.
I have long since gotten out of that terrible relationship and am dating someone that is always patient, always kind and loves me exactly the way I am. He helps me take things a day at a time and is always willing to make sure we're okay. He puts in just as much as I do. I have realized that I wasn't fighting for Jared or for a better day or tomorrow or any other reason except for myself. I'm back on medication and I'm learning to appreciate every single day. I'm going back to school in a year and plan on finishing strong. I am learning how to be happy, day by day.
And three days ago, at the convention in New Orleans, I got to thank Jared for helping me realize that.
I didn't disclose all of this to him, obviously, but he has helped me realize a lot of things in the very short time that I've 'known' him. I thanked him for helping me realize that I was strong enough to keep fighting, and he said that it was awesome of me to keep fighting. He kept holding my hand and giving me high fives and interlacing our fingers. I was sure I was grinning like an idiot.
"I'm so fucking proud of you. Keep it up, babe. Keep it up. I love you."
And I'm going to keep fighting. I'm going to keep pushing and keep doing thing to make myself proud and to make others proud and I know that you will be, too.
So to you, Jared:
Thank you. Thank you for believing in me when no one else did. Thank you for encouraging me to keep going. Thank you for the bone-crushing hugs and for making me feel like I was the only person in the room, even if I was your hundredth. Thank you for being such a genuine human being and giving back as much good as you're given.
Thank you for not giving up and for fighting yourself because I know it isn't an easy feat. Thank you for sharing your life and your story with us and inspiring us to do the same.
Thank you for being you.
Keep making us proud.
I love you.