In Which Alex Hates Herself Again and Fails NaNoWrimo. Again. (NaNo Help?)

I got in another fight with my boyfriend today cause the table broke and I called to Ashley for them to come fix it.

My boyfriend got upset with me because I kept telling him to wait while I was on the phone because I get sensory fucking overload when a bunch of stuff is happening around me and I’m trying to talk to someone on the phone.

And then I came upstairs to unwind from that sensory overload because his entire family is fucking loud, and he came up here and started yelling at me because I “slammed the door.”

Which I didn’t. I closed it. Because his loud mom was on the landing talking to his cousins and I didn’t want them to follow me because I wanted to be by myself so I could unwind from my sensory overload.

And then he got mad at me because I, “came in here just to pout.” Like no, you ass, I came here to unwind from my god damn sensory overload.

And he just kept getting mad at me for saying okay, I’m sorry. Like what else am I supposed to say? Either way you’re mad at me for talking to them on the phone because I fucking did it wrong. Even though I was more level headed than him or his mom would have been. And being angry wouldn’t have made anyone come out any faster, it just would have irritated them and if anything made them come out later.

What else am I supposed to say? There’s literally nothing else I can say. And every time I ask him what he wants me to say, he never has an answer. He says to “talk.” Talk about fucking what? He’s already made it clear he’s fucking mad at me.

Like I already wasn’t excited for this weekend. His entire family is really loud and I get sensory overload really easy. And since he doesn’t understand my anxiety or, apparently, sensory overload, and makes literally no effort too, he expects me to be ready to deal with all of it.

I hate fighting with him. I especially hate fighting with him around his family. But apparently the last time his family was here we got in a fight (that I don’t remember and I’m pretty sure never happened because guys, that was literally the day his dad died) and apparently it was all my fault. So add another notch to that wood post. Even though literally all I did was call and tell them our table was broken.

And it’s not like I can fix it, because anytime I try to talk to him he just gets upset and then mad because I default to Okay Sorry BECAUSE WHAT ELSE DOES ONE SAY????

So anyway now I’m sobbing alone in our room while his family eats and I can hear them (especially his L O U D A F mom) from upstairs. I wanna call my mom but I don’t want to get an earful of, “you should just come home, you shouldn’t have moved to Oregon, blah blah blah.”

I miss my dog.

On NaNoWriMo, I’m already a fair bit behind. I could catch up if I wanted to but... I don’t.... I just have no inspiration guys. Every time I pull up my google docs I just stare at it and have no idea. My last chapter was nowhere near its mini-word goal. I was planning to post it and see if you guys could give me pointers on ways to fill it up so... if anyone is interested I’ll do that.

On a side note I got my dream part time job and now work at GameStop. So there’s that.
November 4th, 2017 at 03:25am