More Issues Than Vogue

Hello, hello, it's Jordan back from the dead. I know it's been ridiculously long since I've done basically anything on this site.

I don't really have any solid reasoning for that. But let's catch up shall we? We’ll start with the important bit: writing. I want to go on record that my laptop is on its last leg and can't function without being plugged in so my writing mobility has greatly diminished, but I will admit that my laptop problems are only one half of the issue.

I just haven’t been inspired to write anything, lately. Actually. I’ve been writing scenes here and there, but I can’t get myself to sit down for extended periods and write. Namely, I can't get myself to finish Him & Him, which I know has a measly two chapters before its finished, and I'm like roughly 7,000 words into the next update. But wow, am I struggling.

I am not giving up though, I’m hoping that I can get these two chapters out within the next two months or so. I just want to say here and now, that I am not giving up on this story and it will be completed. So anybody who follows the story and is reading this just know that the story will be completed, I just don't know when.

I’m gonna dip into my next topic right quick but I’m in love with one of my supervisors at work, like terribly and foolishly in love, I've had this crush for like three years and this year it just amplified. I’ll delve into this more when I tell you guys about my roller coaster love life. This pertains to my writing because I did the WEIRDEST THING EVER. I wrote a short story about my supervisor you guys. Like.

Let’s just have a moment of silence for what I am deeming creepy ass behavior. I wrote a story about us. I am not sane.

I’ve actually been working on short stories more. I think its helping me with being accountable for finishing my writing and also with how to end a story. I’m currently writing a short story that I'll be submitting into a writing magazine contest. I don't have a title for it just yet, though it’s tentatively called The Things We Repent For (And the Things We Don’t) which feels really wordy so I probs won’t keep that. I can’t publish it on here but if anybody is interested in reading it I’m actually looking for some feedback on it before I send it in to the contest.

That's about it as far as writing goes for me. So onto my love life, which I know is what you all are waiting to hear about it anyway. I don't even know where to begin lol. SO. I guess we shall start with Andrew, which was the only like solid hook up I had this summer. I met him at a bar, and he was really cute.

And here's the thing. There are guys that are objectively attractive. Like most people would find them attractive. I’ve hooked up with the generically attractive guys out there and its like whatever for me. Andrew was one of three guys I've hooked up with that I personally found attractive, and is someone I could see myself with in a romantic sense, not that that was what I wanted from him.

So we met at a bar and we got to talking and my friend and I went back to his apartment and we hooked up and it was meh okay. There’s always that moment with guys where they try to have sex with me and I’m like yeah no we aren’t doing that and they always ask me why. Which is annoying. Because I don't need a reason I can just not want to have sex with you? But they always ask me and it's easiest to just go back to the truth so I tell him that I've never had sex and I don't plan to start tonight, and he leaves it at that.

I ended up getting his number but I left shortly after the hook up. He added me on snap and for the next couple of weekends he’d snap me when I was going out to say I looked good and shit. I never intended to see him again, I don't ever see the guys I hook up with again, but then one night I was out and it was a shitty night and I was super wasted so I let him send an uber to get me and I went to his place and we hooked up again. By hook up I should clarify that we made out and I blew him.

The hooking up was really lack luster. It’s strange to me but I just don't get out of it what I think I should be getting out of it and I think its cause guys just don't really care to do anything I like. Once he was finished, he literally rolled over to go to sleep. I probably wouldn’t let him go down on me or anything but he didn’t even offer to? So I was pretty pissed and I got up to leave and then he got mad that I was leaving and I was just like are you freaking kidding? Why would I stay the night?

I don’t know the whole situation annoyed me. Like I know that he picked me up so yeah it was just a hook up thing but I wanted more respect from him than what I got. I guess I just want hooking up to be mutually beneficial and it wasn't and that annoyed me. So I left and I deleted his number and snap. And then he got all freaking pissed at me and was all why don’t I hit him up and hang out and I'm just like ARE YOU JOKING.

If the roles were reversed and I was hitting him up he’d ghost on me in 2.5 seconds and say I was crazy and got attached. But now because I just used him I’m the bad person. Guys are so dumb. Like he just royally annoyed me. And he had the audacity to tell me he knew I was lying about being a virgin. LIKE WHY WOULD I LIE ABOUT THAT.

I just can’t. I hate men.

Speaking of hating men. My supervisor. Love of my life (LOML < this is how I refer to him when I text my friends). Really, for self preservation and all that I should try to get over him. Because it is never going to happen. Which I know. But god damn I just can’t shake this crush. And I know it’s a problem because I will have VIVID dreams about him. And my subconscious is an asshole because we’ll have this intimate moment in my dream and then he’ll be like this is inappropriate and isn't going to happen and I’m just like really brain that's how we want my freaking dream to go like we can't just pretend?

So here’s why it can’t happen, the main reason. He's too old. Or he think he’s too old. I personally don't think he's too old but you know I’d marry Brad Pitt in a millisecond. I’d be Brad Pitt's sex slave. The point is, while I don't care about his age he does. He’s made it so so clear on many occasion that he doesn’t even talk to girls born past ’92. He’s exact words everybody. Btw I was born in ’96. So like what is 4 years.

He also only refers to me as kid and child. Which would be cute if it wasn't a blatant reminder that I am a child to him. I’ve done everything I can think of to portray myself as an adult but it feels like the more I try the more childish I look.

There’s nothing I can do, I know. But the feelings aren't going to way. And I don’t even want them to? And it sucks because I can’t focus on any other guys who are way more suiting for me because I just want him.

Like there’s another guy at my job who’s my age and we’ve been friends for a year now. My mom loves him and is always encouraging me to go out with him. But I don’t even know how to entertain the idea of trying something with him because all I want is the LOML.

And anyway do I even want a boyfriend? Is it crazy that I’m 21 and I’ve never even had a boyfriend before. I feel like that's kind of crazy. I think my parents think I’m going to be a spinster at this point. I always say that I’ll know when I know. Like when I meet a guy who I want to spend that kind of time with that I wouldn't actively try to stop it from happening but why force a relationship with a guy just to have a relationship?

That's how I feel about sex too. In theory, I’ve wanted to have sex like if Brad Pitt was like let’s have sex I’d do it. I’d break my neck trying to get to him fast enough. But I’ve never met a guy who I’ve been like I need to have sex with this boy right now. And I’m not going to do it just to do it, right?

I don’t know guys. I don’t know anything anymore. I’ve never felt like I'm getting my shit together and all my shit is falling apart simultaneously so much in my life than I do at this current point in my life.

Basically, the main take aways from this blog: my laptop sucks right now, I am still writing and will eventually finish Him & Him (though I don’t know that if I write anything new that it’ll be posted on mibba), and my love life is a nonexistent mess.

I just remembered halloween just passed. Did you guys dress up? I went as Olive Penderghast from Easy A one night, and as a the big bad wolf to my friend’s little red another night. You guys can see pics on my instagram if you’re interested! (@sae.glopur)