Almost two weeks ago, I wrote this open letter about the girl who my boyfriend dated before me. I did it mainly to get some pent up emotions out that had been lurking around my head, but now I've come to realize that I've got another demon I need to banish. Lately, I've been living in fear related to my ex-boyfriend who I dated for four years throughout high school and my first year of college.
Today, I'm here to let out some more emotions more or less pertaining to him and to give a little more insight to the story of what happened between him and I since I've been kind of vague throughout the poems and small blogs that I wrote about the ending of him and I. More has progressed since those last things were written and today, I'm going to try and conquer that fear that's been lurking inside me because it's scary, and I'm hoping I'll feel better by the end of it. I know he may never see this letter as the girl who I wrote the last one to will probably never see hers.
As the previous open letter, I'm not here to slander the other person because they have done it to me enough and I don't feel like stooping down to that low of a level.
Thank you very much for reading.
To the Boy Whose Heart I Broke:
It's been six months since the very first day of May when I called you sitting in a parking lot late at night to tell you that you and I were over. In all honesty, it was a long time coming and after meeting the man that I'm currently with, I realized that a lot of qualities that you possessed weren't very healthy for my mental health; you could say that the two of us were in a toxic relationship of sorts.
You weren't all to blame in what happened, but you were a large part of my mental downfall those last six months, and ultimately the last two weeks.
We dated for four years and you were my first boyfriend and the person I had all of those "firsts" with. I thought you were going to be the man that I was going to marry, but those last two weeks, you turned into someone I didn't know. You were aggressive, controlling, and almost physically abusive. When we lived together during that short lived time, my mental health collapsed because the home I ran away from to get out of a toxic environment, turned out to be true to the place that you also lived. Your mother was nothing, but kind to me, but you were nothing that I even have kind words for.
Let's track back six months before then though... back in November of 2016. When it came to being intimate, it was all about you, what you needed, what you wanted. When I wanted something, you rejected it and sometimes even forced me into giving into your needs. You brought back memories of a time when I was eight that my mind cut off, that I have barely any memories of, but I still have glimpses of that past and I'm now suffering with them sometimes on a daily basis.
So, since I was forced to bend to your needs, when my coworker gave me an offer, I didn't resist it. It was my chance to have my needs fulfilled and I did have my needs referring to intimacy fulfilled with this man, even though it was all a handful of one-night stands for five months. Even that gotten to a point where I was fulfilling only his needs and your's, so that took even more of a toll on my brain.
When my current boyfriend walked into my life though, our relationship was less than a week from ending. I hadn't planned on breaking up with you, but after knowing him for four days, I knew that you weren't worth anymore of my time. I had been playing with men our entire relationship because you couldn't fulfill my needs and I was always searching for something more with someone else, but when he gave me his number in that shoe store and I talked to him for less than an hour after my shift that evening, I knew that I was tired of playing games.
So yes, I did bad things. I cheated, I lied, and on occasions, I used you, but that wasn't enough of a wake up call to my brain for me to get out before I hurt not only you, but myself. That's why I finally left when I found something that told me to wake up and realize what I had been doing for four long years.
I did bad things, but so did you and thinking about them now, there's an extensive list, but I'm honestly just going to touch on the key points that I've labeled as not normal in a healthy relationship:
My junior year, your senior year, you got upset with me because I wouldn't go somewhere with you before class so you decided to pull my arms and as I was resisting, you got the smart idea to let go. I slammed my back into some lockers, making a very, very loud racket, and ended up with three bruises around my spine. You never apologized and even when I was called to the office during first period and asked if I was in an abusive relationship, I denied.
You dictating what I could and couldn't wear. You didn't like me in dresses because they were, in your words, "Inconvenient." You wouldn't speak to me until I took my makeup off and threw a fit at prom when I went and got it professionally done. I paid for our prom photos so I was going to look nice whether or not you liked it.
That time I walked in front of you while you were playing a game and you just happened to die in those few seconds; you threw the controller at me and put another hole in your wall during your little rage.
While I was living with you, when I fell asleep, and we shared a tiny queen bed, I apparently put my cold feet on you while I was sleeping and you kicked me face first into the wall I was laying against. I woke up with a bloody nose.
Those are just the ones who stand out to me the most during our relationship.
When he left me for a week, I made the mistake of contacting you. I thought you were my friend and that we were on good terms with each other, but knowing that he left me, you saw it as an opportunity of getting back with me. I had told you when we broke up that I was not interested in a relationship and the one between him and I just happened to be fate putting us together. I still had no interest in a relationship as I was severely hurting, but you still followed me around my workplace for two whole hours trying to get my attention and hurting my sales for that day by distracting me. You even left your girlfriend just to get back with me, even though you deny it; I have sources.
When him and I got back together though, you blew up. You texted me, threatened me, and I had no choice, but to have you banned from my workplace. You blocked me on every device, I heard from a family friend who works with you that you were going around telling people I was going to kill myself. You terrified me beyond belief and I just had to pick up and move on being happy with someone who is still continuing to fulfill my happiness as I do him.
While he was away, you reached out to me trying to be my friend and I denied that request and I thought that, that was it for you and I. I got a new job, I made sure you didn't know where I was working and just by chance, you happen to be walking through that little strip mall and see me outside smoking a cigarette.
I had no interest in having a conversation with you, but yet, you stopped and decided to talk until all I had was a cigarette butt left and I had to get back to work...
And that next day, you contacted my friends trying to get information on me. I couldn't reach out to you to tell you to stop, so I contacted your best friend and he made sure the information was relayed to you very, very clearly. He owes me favors and to this day, he still struggles to believe that you're the person that you actually are because he saw you get violent with me multiple times.
You were and still are banned from my current workplace for the threats that you sent me that night after unblocking me on your phone. I have those texts saved (and the first set of threats as well), and I did inform my employers of what you look like for my safety. You've gotten through the ban though since it's only upheld while I'm there, on or off the clock; I've seen the pictures on the store's Facebook page after you and the girl you dated after me adopted a cat.
Though you've gone quiet after my friends decided not to speak to you because you had nothing to do with them when we dated in high school, if you reach out to contact me again, I am getting a restraining order.
I never thought that you, the boy I dated for four years, would be the person that I fear, that I have nightmares about. I thought you were the greatest thing in the world and you ended up hurting me time after time again and you acted like me breaking your heart was the worst thing that ever happened in our relationship.
So, I hope you stay in whatever dark corner you're lurking in at the moment. I've seen your car drive through the parking lot at work and I hope you and I never come face to face ever again. I'm moving away within the next six months so there's a high chance that that'll come true.
Goodbye. Please take care of yourself.
Kayla V
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