Nov. 15, 2017

So the other day I tried to start a bullet journal. That was a joke. I enjoyed doing the art part of it but I really don't write that much anymore because it makes my hands hurt like soooo much. it's stupid. I opened an account on this website, I used to have one back in the day but I had deleted it because it was old and fake. It didn't have a lot of good stuff on it but this one I can hopefully maintain and maybe use proactively as a place to vent and reflect.

I started going to therapy and have found that writing is still a really good outlet for me. I feel like if I can write more and increase my output of ideas and thoughts it will give me space in my head to focus on what I need to and also a place, like I said before, to sit back, re-read and reflect on my emotions and feelings. This can only be a good thing and worse case is I don't keep up with it and it falls by the way side and I go back in, delete it all and peace out. Haha.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-Dur3uXXCQ

This song has been screaming at me lately. I've been reflecting a lot on my childhood and events in it. I never knew i was abused until someone pointed it out to me. Abuse isn't just physical, its neglect and emotional deprivation and put downs. I'm not gonna lie, I haven't been coping very well with all this stress and stuff. I used again last week and skipped out on my therapist because I just felt so sad. I just feel this suffocating depression. I just feel like depression is right under my skin and if I don't keep it at bay it's going to eat me alive. It's just like too many emotions to handle at one time, you know?

I just don't know how to cope. I want to open up to my husband but I don't think I can. I really want to though. I really want to be able to just tell him I'm sad and be sad and accept it. I know he would love me and take care of me. I just don't know if I can be vulnerable with him like that. Which is ironic because I've been with him for forever and he's seen me at some of my lowest points. He's my best friend and I don't even think I can open up to him that way because of the way it makes me feel. I guess I just don't know how to even approach it.

Hopefully through this self exploration study I can find some answers and feel the feelings and learn to handle them. Because right now, theres too much for one person to deal with honestly. Or at least too much for me to handle right now. I don't think I've ever been this raw and this open and it's really scary. I just want this depression to leave. I want this sadness to go away. I don't want to be fine anymore, I want to be alive.