I'm back here on Mibba after about 4 years absence, and all I can say is, "Wow." I forgot the memories and how meaningful this sight once was to me. I log back on and I see an old notification from a story I had worked on with Whitney, and all I felt was pain..
It was the first and last story I have ever been able to write because every time I pick up a pen, I think about her. When I start typing, it feels like she should be right there with me typing too.. We started so many stories together, and I haven't been able to really write another one since. The very first time I ever tried writing a story after everything that happened, I cried. Mentally, I shut down and held myself back. I went numb. The very first song we ever listened to together, I played on YouTube and it took everything in me not to just end it all. I can't tell you how many hours I spent crying and aching and even screaming into my pillow because of how much I just fucking MISSED you then. Everything was a reminder of you. The things we did, memories shared, the laughs, the endless hours of writing Addicted to Chaos and staying up for 24 hours with coffee and determination as our fuel.
It had already been a long week.. The very first morning it hit me was when I was leaving for school. I walked outside and for the very first time since you left my life, the air smelled strongly of burning firewood - a scent I had always affiliated with your home with the wood heater in the living room. I thought of you, my old friend, and I skipped school that day.
The next morning, I had woken to freshly brewed coffee.. All of those times we had bonded over a shared love of coffee. Writing with coffee. Yearbook class with coffee. Coffee - our cup of love, basically. It took me back to when I'd always have you make my cup of coffee, and I never told you why, but it was only because of how much I loved the way you made it. No matter how I tried, I could never find that balance you seemed to create with each cup. I loved your flavor of coffee just as much as I loved you. I didn't drink any that day because of how it made me think of you. Your laugh. Your smile. Your hair and the way you smelled when you hugged me. When we first met, you never could see just how beautiful I've always thought you are.
The first relationship I got into after you left me, I nearly ended it simply because it was the first one I had never been able to share with you. It was the first real part of my life you wouldn't be present in. It hurt when I realized I couldn't just message you or write you a letter and tell you everything. And he was so good to me. There were so many things I always wished I could have told you. There were so many times I needed you and missed you.
I know I've played my part, but I still don't fully understand what I've done to you. Why you hate me so much now. You can't even bear the sight of my new friends. Everything I did, I was only trying to maintain the balance. You never talked to me about why you were just abandoning me. It just happened. You chose her. Of all people.
When we finally got back in touch with each other, you betrayed me. You lied to me. You lied about me. You manipulated my friend against me.
And I still love you, my dear. I still miss you. No one will ever take your place. Despite all things you have done, I have forgiven you. I wish you could forgive me. You're a very different woman now. No longer the same woman I fell so in love with all those years ago. I loved your crazy, messy, curly hair; your big brown eyes; your perfect smile; your voice like sweet music to my ears, ever comforting and all knowing. I still look for you in all of the people in my life. No one is ever able to comfort me the way you used to. You always had just the right words to say. You knew exactly how to say them and it seems like I'll never find another person with that gift. I may not have always listened and I know there were times when I pushed you to give up on me, but now I look back on everything you've ever said to me and wish you were still here to keep saying it.. As you're different now, so am i. I'd like to think I'm better, just angry, but you'll never come back to relearn me, will you? We're strangers now with different paths. The only way you even feel real to me anymore is when I am reminded of you in subtle things. Subtle things that build like tidal waves and grow into a disaster. With those small waves, the whole ocean thrusts back to me.. And all of our memories with it, haunting.
I don't know how to tell you I'm sorry. I don't know how to make up for all the wrongs I have done, but please realize that I was never meaning things in the way you interpreted them. I never wanted to lose you. I wish you were here now. I miss you.
Not registered?
Create an account