MY RANTS ON WHY I SHOULDN'T DATE AND JUST DESERVE TO BE ALONE (im not ready lol, i neeed to love me)

I really don't get the concept of love completely. I never really loved much other than my brother and my father and mother. Until my father ditched me at 8 which is and was one of the biggest tragedies for me. He was my best friend. Why it was hard for me to love everyone else was because as my mom turned her back on her children for addiction which i could never understand (the mother part) addiction i get.. parenting not so much. Back to my point... my mom was absent my father took off with some ratchet hoe. Leaving my brother, my grandpa and grandma and me. So as my parents split so did my grandparents... so fucking awesome right. Being 8 and everyone is just leaving everyone. My brother moved in with my grandpa and his son.. i got shipped off to my grandmas new place with her boyfriend. Never seen my brother or mom much and moved to new schools twice for grade 5-6. I just never felt loved or seen much love going around that was real.

Basically after a few years of cutting and psych wards and suicide attempts i got bored of showing everyone i just wanted to be heard and loved. my love for drugs and sex and most importantly food came so much more easily. That is what made me feel so secure.

So I became an escort with the help of being brainwashed by some other girl who loved drugs and money and sex because finding a job or going to school was not going to happen// -.- so anyways i lived that lifestyle in and out for about 2 years on and off because that's where my self worth level was at unfortunately. I went to rehab for the second time cleaned up my life and spent 11 months out of the trade.

Went back for a few months and now im out for what i hope is good. I got out mostly by knowing after this no one will love me forsure i mean look at me im coked out and have no job no license no car and i don't even care. A boy i had a crush on and sometimes stalked in highschool gave me attention we've been dating since the end of august and i just want to go fuck a big cock and i don't love him i just used him and i feel like a big pile of shit...

(ive been being sober especially because my liver is fucked.. and i have a full time job now and i've been doing really good but i know this time of year makes me want to go and fuck up my good job and start self sabotaging)))))