World Isn't Big Enough.

Current Tune: Linkin Park/Somewhere I belong
Hi guys, Hope you all had a good solstice/christmas/kwanza.

This is another frustration blog. Warning in advance.
Just need to let this out before I explode.

My christmas was alright, nothing special, but it was kinda relaxed.
Well, I thought it was at the time.

The last two days, I've been a total slave for a certain someone. Mentally, Physically and Emotionally. I really can't understand, how someone who is given so much, time, energy, presents, love...everything, Acts like the absolute whole world is against them. How they can make everything your fault? Despite the fact you've gone out of your way to try make it perfect for them, because your a people pleaser.

Can someone explain to me this phenomenon? It's more than just being selfish. It's degrading, to be absolutely giving your all to someone and still everything is your fault, everything is wrong. Nothing is ever good enough.

Now I thought I was doing good, I thought I was just making up for how terrible I've been for the last four years. But I've been trying, so damn hard. I've been pushing off my own dreams, kicking aside everything I want. I cancel seeing friends because Im worried about their opinion, I don't buy things I want, because the bullshit I'd have to put up with because of it isn't worth the happiness I'd feel.

Even just right this second, I thought they said something to me, So I took off my headphones to acknowledge them and ask what they said (as they looked at me, I thought they may have been waiting for an answer) and all I get is "Nothing, I didnt fucking say anything.", in a bitchy tone.

I know I'm not a perfect person, but I don't understand. I try involve them in my life, I try to talk to them about things, and they don't care, I bore them. But when I talk to someone else about it, I get told I'm a lying cheating bitch because of it? I'm so confused...I don't know what I feel anymore, It's fucking me up.

I went to get them dinner before. Everything was shut except the supermarket. I tried to call and organize something else for them, they got mad, took it out on me and hung up. This isn't a new thing, but now it's really starting to bother me. I'm tired of all this childishness. And then after an hour of apparently 'me' being the bitch, they apologize and expect everything to be perfect again. I'm starting to resent them, and I hate that...I hate that so much.

I hate that one of the few people I had in my corner has turned against me completely, I know I didnt make their life easy for four years, but I didn't destroy it. I'm sick of being treated like I did. If they didn't love me anymore, I just wish they'd tell me they didn't love me anymore.

I'll just continue going on believing that one day, Newt will come and spirit me away and everything will be fucking unicorns and rainbows...and the sex will be great. Like, I know I have daddy issues but this is getting ridiculous, even my real dad didn't treat me this badly, hahaha. I just want a proper daddy -eyeroll-

End Tunes: Nickleback/How You Remind Me
December 26th, 2017 at 10:20am