My Struggles

I've struggled a lot since I was kid. I know I've had some things easier than others, but I've also had it a little bit worse. And as I keep pushing myself forward, there's this little optimistic voice in my head saying, "it will get better." I've lost my dog, my mom, my uncles, my grandma, my home, my car... and here I am, yet again, in another predicament where finding another place to live will be the most beneficial choice to save a few friendships and to make things emotionally easier... However, financially it is not within my means.

I work retail... I'm a ProService associate at Lowe's which pays a few dollars above minimum wage but that does not cover rent of hardly any locations within this city. My friends I already live with, so I'm out on that... I have a plan, but as I've mentioned before my plans usually fall through in some way, shape, or form. I need a car, to get a second job, to afford a place to stay. Is life really supposed to be this complicated? I know I shouldn't complain about finances when yes, I do have a new laptop... but this little piece of electronic machinery isn't going to put a roof over my head.

Really do wish there was income based apartments somewhere in this town, that could make things somewhat manageable. The longer I stay here, the more I feel my mental stability crumbling. From small, probably, meaningless remarks to feeling completely in the way at all times. I feel as though every day I make at least ten more new mistakes to pile on top of yesterday's. There's the selfish part of me that doesn't want to leave this town, I love my job along with most of my co-workers and I love my friends in my house... maybe I'm just not a person that people can live with? Maybe I'm too codependent on people and their opinions of me. I don't know. I wish there was a magical fairy that could at least give me a fail-proof plan.

All I really need in my new place is me and my two cats. I can live without a lot, but I can't make it without my two babies. At this point they are what's keeping me going.

Things will turn out the way that they have to, and as always I will make the proper and necessary adjustments... regardless of what I lose, regardless of who I lose along the way. Just... when is life supposed to get easier? I'm twenty-five and still under delusions of stability.
January 14th, 2018 at 06:20pm