I Think I Need Help.

I think I need to go back on anti-depressants. And get back into therapy.

But it's also not that easy because I just got my health insurance back and I don't know if it would cover anything. Plus, I've tried to look into some of it and I just don't know how to get therapy again. Maybe I can go to the office at school, but I feel too self conscious to do that.

I try not to think about it too much, because it just makes me break down when I realize it. I have no future. There is nothing for me. I don't want to apply to university because I don't want to be let down. It's too late now, anyways, and my grandma has only given me three choices. They're all schools that I don't even want to go to. Plus, I don't know if I will pass my math classes because I am far too stupid. If I don't pass them this time around I can no longer take them at the school I attend and I am screwed. And, if I fail college, there is nothing for me. I had to get my GED instead of graduating from high school because I was too stupid for that too and was too depressed to go to class.

It's like this black hole is staring right at me. The time after this school year is just empty and terrifying. I've started thinking what if I kill myself. I've started thinking about suicide again and I'm scared. But there's nothing for me. It's scary to think about. I'm just overwhelmed.

I've just been listening to a mental health podcast for hours and I think it made things worse, even though I was feeling better while listening to it.

I don't know. I've been depressed for a while now. And I just don't see how anything could possibly get better. Everybody else makes life look so easy. They're all graduating and starting their lives, and here I am repeating history.

I'm not actively suicidal, I promise. And I always get scared talking about my depression because ever since someone called the cops on a sad Facebook status, even though I wasn't even suicidal at the time, I've lost my trust for social media. I just wanted to vent.
January 15th, 2018 at 02:32am