Poetic or Just Plain Depressing?


Why am I so bad at love? My heart always seems to yearn for complications and drama. I’ve been talking to this guy for 5 months. We’ve hung out numerous times. Done all but sleep together, mostly because it wasn’t the time or place. We’d be together more often, but he currently lives two hours away. His hometown is less than twenty minutes from me, and I’ve spent time there as well.

He was adamantly against having a relationship. But then it seemed like something changed. I took the train to visit him yesterday, and now I’m on the train home. We had a long conversation. He has so much stuff going on, and clearly, he is fighting some inner demons. So much so, he is certain that any relationship he starts will be destroyed. He doesn’t know where he’ll be going for work in a few months, and so he doesn’t want to officially start anything when he could be even further away.

We both agreed that we’re already practically dating, except for the labels and introducing each other to people in our lives. We agree we’re both good for each other. And that we’re going to keep up with what we’re doing. But I’m afraid that this isn’t enough for me. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. But I can’t lose him. Having his arms wrapped around me last night was one of the best feelings I’ve ever had.

As I write this, I’m in the back row of the Amtrak train, trying to keep my tears silent. As I waited on the platform for the train to arrive, I felt like I’d been ripped from a cheesy romance movie, where the conflict is introduced and there is a montage of depressing music, only for the object of my affection to come running back to me. But this is real life. It doesn’t always work out like that.

I’m thankful the train isn’t crowded, so I can have this moment to myself. I’m sure I’d only breakdown harder if anyone inquired about why I’m crying as I stare out the window. He’s texting me now and somehow it makes my heart hurt and swell at the same time. Each kiss from him is never enough. I’ve just never had my fill. It’s like he’s poison and I know he’s probably bad for me but I just cannot walk away because in some sick twisted way we’re good for each other.

I don’t know, friends. I just don’t know.
February 10th, 2018 at 11:42pm