Why Is Everything so Heavy?

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with all sorts of things a 20 year old (at the time) shouldn't have been. PTSD? Manic depression? Psychosis?

Scary, giant words that made me feel weak and unable to comprehend what was going on. At first I just sort of blew it off, hey- I've been doing so well coping for years now-what's 30 plus more?

Apparently a lot. Once I came to terms with something wasn't right, I started to get worse.

I fought myself on the medicines that they fed me, lying to everyone that I was taking them but then I felt so sick of myself that I threw them out and of course, withdraw is a bitch.

Since then, I've developed another....personality, I suppose. Someone who is the exact opposite of me. She's hateful, greedy and wants to die. It's like another switch and there she is; flooding my mind. Most days I wake up shaky and drained because I know the fight is getting harder. Lately, I've wanted to end it. So bad.

I used to self-harm, ya know. Razors, scissors, anything sharp that could make a cut. I still have scars and some days I loathe them but some days I relish in that feeling. That quick pain and the rush of blood that felt like my sins and my pain were leaking from my already tired and hateful body.

Funny isn't it? How something so degrading and painful as that, can cause such a rush of feeling when you don't want to feel anything at all. To mar your body with these lines just to calm the panic and utmost negativity inside you.

And it's no one's fault at this point. No one makes me feel useless and stupid. It's her. This monster inside me. Maybe I've created her...I'm very creative. Maybe I didn't and I was cursed to have my mind so torn apart thinking I'm stronger than this.

Am I stronger?

Did you know I was called a victim by my aunt? She thinks people that survive abuse are still victims. The good side of me wants to demand that I'm a fighter. But the other part agrees. If I didn't suffer that moment time and time again, I wouldn't be so broken. Why did I have to go through that? I was just a kid. By different people? Who does that to a little child?

But I can't blame anyone. I don't blame myself.

I just...automatically forgive...I mean, I think it's forgiveness. Maybe. Maybe it's just shoved aside because I'm too tired to think about it.

I have too many triggers that I can't get out of my mind.

Like the smell of spring/summer. Cut grass and the bright sun in the middle of the day. Sometimes I can feel myself tense up, I want to vomit but I don't. I think about something else and it's over. I didn't stay in therapy long enough to change my way of thinking. She wanted to blame other things and I never got to speak about my true problems.

I told my doctor. I never cried so hard. But I didn't feel free.

Will I ever feel free?

And this is how I am. I'm constantly seeking reassurance. I want to do good. I think I'm smart. But I panic and I mess up. I try hard to keep my mind open to the world around me but I still find myself jumping when someone approaches me.

I constantly want to change my appearance. Maybe to hide?

Lately it's not helping me..