First off a little bit about me. I'm a 25 year old senior at a CSU in Northern California studying Microbiology with an option in Clinical Lab Sciences (I will refer to this as CLS most likely in the future. Its a lot shorter XD). I'm walking in May and finishing my degree in the fall. I live off campus with three fantastic ladies and two very adorable cats, one of which is my troublemaker Ella. I have a part time job working with children that I absolutely love. The kids are amazing and bring smiles to my face every time I see them. I'm a pretty laid back person and I love to read like its going out of fashion. I'm usually found with a book and a cup of my favourite tea when I'm not in school or doing homework or studying. I love all animals, although I'm definitely a cat person. I'm also horrible at describing myself so I prefer to answer direct questions instead.
Next is why I'm writing a blog. I suppose I feel I need an outlet to talk about things I don't normally discuss or things that I have a hard time talking about for one reason or another. I'm a very excellent listener and I suppose I just have a hard opening up because I don't want to be a burden even though I know I wouldn't be (I get strange ideas sometimes about how I think others see me even though I know they aren't true). Other times I have ideas I want to discuss but no one to discuss them with or I worry that it will just start an argument which is something I want to avoid. I greatly dislike confrontation. It is also highly likely that I may ramble. I find I can get my ideas out better that way. I will also only write when I feel I need to. I'm awful at keeping journals and so this is going to be an as needed thing.
I have some expectations of anyone who may read this or future entries. I will not tolerate any sort of hate or bullying or whatever. I can't stand the amount of hatred I see in the world every day and I want to be a source of good feelings and love (I know that's super cheesy but I'm definitely all about love in its many many forms). I'm completely open to people having different opinions and beliefs and views than me. I encourage that others share them with me, so long as it's in a civil and respectful manner. For example, I myself am agnostic atheist, meaning I don't believe in a higher power while at the same time acknowledging that there may be one that I am unaware of. I have never had a problem with others having faith. In fact, I applaud them for being able to have that faith. I just ask that my lack of belief is respected. I'm open to a discussion about religion as I do have a fair bit of knowledge about Christian faith and have even taught children in a church program for around 11 years now. Just because I don't believe doesn't mean others can't. I like diverse thoughts and ideas and perspectives. Others may see things that I don't and vise versa. Its our diversity and our sameness that make us all human.
Now that I've got that out of the way, onto why I decided today was the day to start this blog. My day has been a complete roller coaster of emotions in the worst way. To start, I haven't been feeling 100% due to Daylight Savings (which in and of itself honestly makes no sense to me). My sleep has been thrown off completely. So when I woke up this morning, I had a very strong desire to go back to sleep and skip classes. This however was not an option. I'm taking Bio Chem, Immunology, and Physics this semester and while I could prolly miss an Immuno lecture, there's no way I can miss Physics and most definitely I can't miss Bio Chem. I'd be screwed on so many levels its not even funny. Chem is my worst subject by far and I struggle to get even a C. So anyways, i go through my normal morning and get on the bus for headed for campus. A couple blocks from campus, I noticed flashing lights. As the bus gets closer, I see its a firetruck, ambulance, and several police cars parked near the dorms. My curiosity was definitely peaked but I have a rule for myself: no gawking at scenes where someone could be hurt. I feel that by staring I'm being disrespectful to the person who maybe injured and I wouldn't want to get in the way of any emergency personal. They have enough to deal with. So I continued on to my Bio Chem lecture which is in a building not too far from the dorms. I get there and there's quite a few people standing by the door. This is a little odd. The building is on the edge of campus and one side faces a street while the far side opens into campus facing another building. Most people use the doors that open onto campus when leaving that building unless they are leaving campus. I didn't really see anything when I entered the building so I continued to the second floor.
That's when I found out what was happening. And in order to respect privacy of those involved, I'm not naming names. Its not my place, and honestly if someone really has to know, you can prolly find it on the internet. Also I'm not really sure how to say this so I'm trying to just get through it. I was standing with my classmates and someone asked if anyone knew what was happening outside the hall.
A student had jumped from the building across from the one I was in. It's most likely a suicide and I'm not inclined to disagree. They jumped from one of the outside stairways on the second tallest building on campus (the tallest is one of the dorms and you can't get in to the dorms unless you live there or go in with someone who does) and the way the outside stairway is constructed, the wall that separates the stairway from empty space is easily a foot or more above my head and I'm about 5' 7". So the only way you're going over is if you climb up and jump over. This happened minutes before I got to class. I'm completely and utterly heartbroken over this. I didn't know the person but I still feel for them on so many levels. There is a family that will never be whole again, a life whose potential to do great things is gone, never to be replaced. And I can't help but wonder why? What happened that this person felt that they couldn't bear to live anymore.
Suicide hits me close to my heart. I lost one of my dearest friends a little over three years ago and it still hurts. I get so torn up knowing that now there's another family, another group of friends, whose lives will never be the same.
There were a couple other things that really upset me about this, though the loss of this person is by far the greatest tragedy. As a result of this, classes were cancelled in my building as well as the one they jumped from. The university police wouldn't let anyone through the doors leading into campus for good reason and had also cordoned off the area while they do their investigation. As me and my friend were leaving the building, someone decided it'd be a great idea to walk AROUND THE TAPE into the cordoned off area. And when told to turn around, they proceeded to argue over it. I'm completely baffled. It was extremely obvious something was happening even if you didn't know what was happening. There was not one piece of tape but two cordoning off the pathway around the building as well as personnel in bright yellow jackets turning people back. I don't think they knew what was happening but the fact that they had no regard for the obvious DO NOT CROSS was irritating. That wasn't the worst though.
I've naturally been following the progress of events throughout the day via news, the school's Facebook , and the school's emergency notification system. I decide to check the comments on the Facebook post that was one of the ways the school was announcing that counseling was available in one of the auditoriums for any students, faculty or staff should they need it. Most comments were extremely supportive and expressing sympathy to our campus community. The one that made me put my phone down and seriously consider crying was the one that read "We need to stop babying them." What the hell is that supposed to mean? That was one of the most callous things I've ever read. How could you not feel for those who have just lost someone in such a sudden and traumatic (for lack of a better word) way. There were students who walked out of class and saw that poor kid on the ground. I for damn sure hope they went and talked to a counselor. That will haunt them for the rest of their lives. My mom saw a kid die in high school after someone shot him (he was in the wrong place at wrong time and was an innocent bystander) and it still haunts her to this day. You aren't "babying" someone when you help them to process something like this. Grief isn't weakness.
The worst thing though, and I'm so happy I didn't actually see this or I would have flipped my shit, was the people who were trying to take pictures of the building and the person (I refuse to say body here. I feel that it reduces the person an object and they never were and never will be an object). I'm left speechless. That is such a violation of the basic respect and decency that every single person is entitled to, in life or death. I'm a big believer in being respectful and when I say being respectful, I mean acknowledging that every other living thing (I include all life here because I feel everything deserves respect, no matter how large or small and regardless of type of life) is its own entity and deserves to be treated as if it were a part of you. I think the worst part about people trying to take pictures is that I don't when the family was notified and most pictures end up online. What if the family found out not through the school's representatives or the police as they should but through a post on Facebook? That'd be the most horrific thing.
I didn't know the person who died but still all day I've felt such a heart wrenching sorrow for this loss. My heart and thoughts are with this person's loved ones in this dark time and even though life won't ever be the same, I hope they can find a way to become closer and pull through this. This pain will never go away but in time, hopefully it'll become easier to bear the pain.
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