Finally Seeking Help.

I've finally done it! I've made the call and I am now on the wait list for therapy and help. I kept having to swallow back tears when I was on the phone because I was so sad and sure that there was nothing that I wanted to stay alive for. And I was sure that I didn't deserve to live.

I put it off for way too long and ended up in a week long spiral of anxiety so bad that I honestly wanted to die. I'm glad that didn't happen because I woke up this morning finally feeling pretty much better. I'm still trying to keep my mind occupied and away from any thoughts that I know will lead to more looping around again. But I feel okay and I am so relieved.

I also got an A in a class that I never thought I would ever be able to pass because I am terrible at math. I am not necessarily happy because I'm still feeling depressed but I am definitely glad that I didn't end my life a couple of days ago. So that's something, I guess.

I've watched two amazing movies in the past two days. Lady Bird and To the Bone. It's funny because usually I would be triggered by eating disorder movies but today I found To the Bone almost comforting. It took my mind off of things and reminded me that I am not alone. That there are people who support me and want me to get better.

And classes are starting up again on Monday. I don't do well during school breaks because I feel like I have no focus and nothing to work on and it really brings me down, so it'll be nice to be studying again.

This is all over the place. But thank you for the amazing supportive words that you guys have left me. I wasn't able to take in kind words when I was really down. But I am so grateful and I love you all. I hope that you're doing well. And, if you're not, I hope that you feel better soon because you deserve to be happy.