I have no idea why, But I'm back. Again.
I miss writing I suppose. I have some old stories I want to kick start again, and some old one's that never made it to posting stage, that need to be finished.
Im feeling a little better about life at the moment. In spite of it all.
I've reached a point where I'm using my head, which is good. I'm listening to music again too, Like my music. It's nice, I missed it. I missed a lot of things.
I've been venturing outside again too. Well, as much as I can. I'd like to continue that. Human interaction has been on the up as well, not as much as it was, but I'm slowly getting there. I miss people. I never felt as alive as I did around friends. I don't even know why Im referring to them as friends, They really aren't, They don't know anything about me - But They're the closest I have I suppose.
I'm still pretty pensive, but Im working on turning my negativity into positive. Not in the generic sense, but in a way that's me. I'm going to power through all of this. I know I will. I was feeling pretty down the other night, watching my friend work and having a drink by myself, drawing on a napkin as I always do, and then it hit me.
I've survived my dad leaving me.
I've survived my childhood bullying.
I've survived being raped by someone who was a friend. Then seeing them as an adult.
I've survived a cut that should have killed me. Twice.
I've survived a mental breakdown that ended in me almost killing someone.
I've survived all my friend's deserting me when I had my child.
I've survived sexual assault.
I've survived a violent relationship.
I've survived a controlling relationship.
I've survived my own addictions.
I've survived being a social outcast.
I've survived numerous suicide attempts.
I'll survive anything that comes.
Now sure, I'm probably going to wake up depressed again tomorrow, and sure, I'm probably going to continue to feel worthless for a very long time. But just because I feel that way, doesn't mean I am that way. I don't have to believe everything my head tells me. I don't have to listen to every single thought that comes out of my messed up brain. Just the ones I want to listen to.
The life I want, is to be honest, Pretty far out of my reach. But I'm going to keep reaching for it. And at the end of the day, if nothing else, hopefully one person at least will remember I tried. And that counts for something, So I've been told.
Also, I heard a song I haven't heard in ages the other night, One that I used to fall asleep to when I was younger - It used to give me a sense of peace - And It made me feel inexplicably happy. So there is happiness, true happiness floating around. But a lesson I learned is that I have to make it. It won't come to me, regardless of how much I wish it would. It's easier said than done, but it's one step closer. And anyone who knows me, Knows Im basically a glacier when it comes to changes.
Anyway,
I haven't written anything for a while, so I supposed that explains the lengthlyness of this blog, though it doesn't excuse it.
TLDR; I'm getting closer to what I want. Whether I know it or not.
Hilarious Sidenote: I've been thinking about joining a gym, or at least working out with someone from the work crew. I've always been terrified of doing something like that, especially around others, but I think it's time I tried something new.
Listening to;Accidental Happiness - Passengers OST.
I miss writing I suppose. I have some old stories I want to kick start again, and some old one's that never made it to posting stage, that need to be finished.
Im feeling a little better about life at the moment. In spite of it all.
I've reached a point where I'm using my head, which is good. I'm listening to music again too, Like my music. It's nice, I missed it. I missed a lot of things.
I've been venturing outside again too. Well, as much as I can. I'd like to continue that. Human interaction has been on the up as well, not as much as it was, but I'm slowly getting there. I miss people. I never felt as alive as I did around friends. I don't even know why Im referring to them as friends, They really aren't, They don't know anything about me - But They're the closest I have I suppose.
I'm still pretty pensive, but Im working on turning my negativity into positive. Not in the generic sense, but in a way that's me. I'm going to power through all of this. I know I will. I was feeling pretty down the other night, watching my friend work and having a drink by myself, drawing on a napkin as I always do, and then it hit me.
I've survived my dad leaving me.
I've survived my childhood bullying.
I've survived being raped by someone who was a friend. Then seeing them as an adult.
I've survived a cut that should have killed me. Twice.
I've survived a mental breakdown that ended in me almost killing someone.
I've survived all my friend's deserting me when I had my child.
I've survived sexual assault.
I've survived a violent relationship.
I've survived a controlling relationship.
I've survived my own addictions.
I've survived being a social outcast.
I've survived numerous suicide attempts.
I'll survive anything that comes.
Now sure, I'm probably going to wake up depressed again tomorrow, and sure, I'm probably going to continue to feel worthless for a very long time. But just because I feel that way, doesn't mean I am that way. I don't have to believe everything my head tells me. I don't have to listen to every single thought that comes out of my messed up brain. Just the ones I want to listen to.
The life I want, is to be honest, Pretty far out of my reach. But I'm going to keep reaching for it. And at the end of the day, if nothing else, hopefully one person at least will remember I tried. And that counts for something, So I've been told.
Also, I heard a song I haven't heard in ages the other night, One that I used to fall asleep to when I was younger - It used to give me a sense of peace - And It made me feel inexplicably happy. So there is happiness, true happiness floating around. But a lesson I learned is that I have to make it. It won't come to me, regardless of how much I wish it would. It's easier said than done, but it's one step closer. And anyone who knows me, Knows Im basically a glacier when it comes to changes.
Anyway,
I haven't written anything for a while, so I supposed that explains the lengthlyness of this blog, though it doesn't excuse it.
TLDR; I'm getting closer to what I want. Whether I know it or not.
Hilarious Sidenote: I've been thinking about joining a gym, or at least working out with someone from the work crew. I've always been terrified of doing something like that, especially around others, but I think it's time I tried something new.
Listening to;Accidental Happiness - Passengers OST.