So, I disappeared again! Hello! I do that from time to time. Usually my absence isn't noteworthy and little to nothing has happened during said absence.
The same cannot be said this time though. Just a heads up before you read on, there's gonna be some heavy stuff in this blog update so if you are feeling sensitive or on edge or anything like that you might wanna spare yourself some trouble. (TW: child loss, depression, suicidal thoughts, related things)
We've been working on our old trailer, basically building a new house around the existing structure, pole-barn style. That was going well; still is going well really, even if we've slowed down on it A LOT. A few months back we finally reached the point in construction where we couldn't still live in the trailer, so my husband, Bear, and I have been living with his parents in their house. A large part of my absence is actually related to technical difficulties and frequent lack of access to computer (we gotta do some stuff to get ours working right over here, so it's basically not being used at all right now.)
In February, we lost our son. He was stillborn at 33 weeks. It's been the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my entire life, and I hope and pray I never have to deal with anything like it or harder than it ever again. I still pretty much live moment to moment, day by day. Just getting through a day, or managing to have a really good day is an accomplishment. I have to keep a constant eye on myself to make sure grief doesn't turn into actual depression; some days I'm still not entirely sure if it hasn't. We'll see on that, I guess. (And, of course, it probably goes without saying that Bear keeps an eye on me, too, and that I keep an eye on him as well.)
Having said all that, I want you guys to know that. I'm about as alright as I can be. I'm mostly alright actually. I have really difficult moments and really bad days, but I think right now I have more good moments and days than bad. Some days I truly want to die, but most days I want to live.
I know I wouldn't have made it through and wouldn't still be here and wouldn't be mostly okay without my God, my husband, and all of our amazing friends and family. I understand why people often turn from God in the face of loss. Grief is rough, to put it lightly. It does crazy and horrible things to you. So, I understand why it would tear some folks from their God, but in my personal experience that was never even an option. I knew I needed God if I was going to get through, and I saw God's love and care and protection in the words and actions of all of our loved ones. I may never understand why it was God's will that my son pass from this life into the next before we ever got to raise him, but I know that I just have to trust God and trust that He has plans for us to have a future and to prosper. Most of all I know that He is carrying me and Bear and our family through this season, and I know that our son is with Him and is in a good place. I feel so deeply sorry for anyone who has to grieve without hope, and I feel so deeply appreciative of the fact that because of our Lord and Savior we don't have to.
And this whole situation has tested Bear and I, both as individuals and as a couple united by God. We have both found strength we never knew we possessed in hours of weakness more profound than we've ever known. And we've both grown even closer and depended on each other even more. Bear has been an amazing blessing in my life, and never more than in this difficult season of our life together. He's been there for me in some of my most difficult moments, and I (as far as I know, and we're pretty open with each other, especially now) for him. I thank God for him almost every day, and really I should thank Him for Bear every day, if I'm honest.
We've both just been blown away by the support and love we have received from everyone around us. I thank God every day for all of our friends and family. I always appreciated that we knew a lot of great people, but this situation has really shown me just how great our friends and family are. We're truly blessed.
And on most days, we have hope. Hope for a good future, even if all our plans feel like they've been either dashed or put on pause. The Bible says that the Lord has plans for us, to prosper us and for us to have a future. The Bible also says to "be still", trust God, and wait on Him, and that's not always easy, but we're doing our best. After a lot of hard grief, and worry, and fear, and all kinds of dark, desperate moments, it really feels like there is life and light on the other side. I know there will always be dark, difficult moments, but I think I can ride them out more easily if I just cling tightly to the hope.
We've prayed a lot, obviously. Both together and individually. We've talked to each other about it a lot, too. We're going to have more kids in the future, whether they are biologically ours, adopted, or a mix of both categories. I have gone pretty much my whole life not knowing what direction I need to go or what I am meant to do or even what I really want to do, but I finally think I have an answer. I think God has called me to be a parent. I believe He means for me to have more children and to raise children. It's just a matter of waiting on His time, whenever that happens. My doctor has assured us that we should be able to have more children, and that what happened this time isn't at all likely to happen again (although next time around would be considered a high risk pregnancy, just to be on the safe side.) I'm gonna probably be a nervous wreck about it anyway, but I'll do my best not to be, haha. I go back to the doctor again in a few days, so we'll know even more after that.
But anyway! That's been my life lately. I just wanted to update you guys, and let you guys know sort of why I have been gone and what's been going on. I can't promise I'll be on here a lot, but I might get on here more now, as much as I'm able to and feel like it. I just felt like I had to post this blog update first; like I couldn't just pop back onto the forums or post fic updates like nothing had happened when something so life changing had happened, and that meant I had to wait until I felt more ready to talk about it, and today was a day that I felt ready and able.
I hope you've all been well and are still doing well. If not, hang in there. I'll do the same.
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