Not everything is bad, but this does deal with depression, death, some mental abuse and suicidal thoughts.
Let's start from the beginning, I was raised in a small town in southern Pennsylvania and when I say small...I mean SMALL. The population is 2,706. Let me give you a little information about the people in this town. They were racist, judgemental and down right mean. It's a town where everyone knows everything about everybody. I know that Racism is everywhere, but I can vividly remember having a boy come to our high school and because of the color of his skin he was bullied and threatened until he just didn't show up anymore. This town also fears change. There is a small gas station and a fireworks store and that is all that is has to offer. The only jobs it offers is a warehouse and anything else is about an hour away.
Growing up I always thought that I wanted to live in that town for the rest of my life. Boy was I wrong. I try to think back when I was little and think of all the good times I had. I remember going swimming in creeks, camping, hunting, fishing and just spending hours in the woods playing and building forts. However, as I grew older I started to realize that how terrible things were in the town and not just the town, but in my household. Let me explain...
I grew up in a pretty normal family. I had my mother and father and an older sister. My older sister is ten years older than me. On the outside we seemed like a pretty normal family. We played games, watched tv and went to the beach every summer. What people didn't see what the terror that was behind closed doors. My parents were constantly fighting with each other and when they weren't fighting they were yelling at us. For the longest time I remember my mom saying, "Oh you are just spoiled and mad that we discipline you." I just went along with it and assumed it was normal. I am 23 now and I am thinking back on it to times when my mother would chase me down the hallway to continue the argument when all I wanted to do was go to my room and get away. Or when she would throw remotes or baskets at me. That is not discipline. It never was and I am now realizing that. Let me tell you some more about how my parents were. I had never been close with my mother. I guess you can say we don't have that bond like most people share with their parents. I can remember always thinking that I couldn't wait to get away from her. I would watched her belittle not only my sister and I, but she would get in my dad's face and tell him he was worthless and call him all kinds of names. She was a hateful woman to anyone she met. She would talk to friends on the phone and once she would hang up she would talk about how terrible they were. I never thought what she did was right and I still don't believe it was. Now my father is something completely different. I guess you could say I was a daddy's girl. We were always together and we got along all the time. Though I look back on it now and I realize that things weren't so perfect with us. There were times when I would say mean things to him and he would just brush it off. That was the kind of man he was. He was quiet and kept to himself. I never understood how he was so mellow. My sister is a whole story on it's own and I will get into that more as the blogs go on. For the longest time my sister was my best friend. We did everything together and I guess she was kind of a mother figure in a way. We would have little fights like most sisters do, but we made up within minutes. Much like everything else that came to an end as well.
Now that you have some background, let me talk about when things started to go wrong. In about 2000 or 2001 my father was diagnosed with MS (Multiple sclerosis) For those of you that don't know it is a disease in which the immune system eats away at the protective covering of the nerves. It is considered a rare disease. This was a shock to my whole family when we found this out. My father was the provider for the family so we lost all of our income except for what little disability my mom received at the time. My mother has had healthy issues her whole life. She is a type 1 diabetic and has all the terrible problems that come with it. Around this time my mother and sister were in a major car accident that almost caused them their lives as well. This marked the first spiral into my families turmoil that I can remember. I don't remember this time exactly because I was only 5 at the time. I can however remember hearing my parents arguing over bills and how they were going to pay for the house we had just bought and everything. The next few years of my life you would think that I would have enjoyed. I was a normal kid for the most part. My parents provided everything I needed as far as close, food and other things. My father solved most of the bill problems by drawing disability from his company. That however was still just enough to make ends meet. I remember constantly thinking will the electric get shut off or will we lose our house and have to move and all these things that shouldn't plague a childs mind. My life continued on this pattern for years. The constant fighting and yelling went on for years. throughout these years I watched my father slip into a depression. I never understood how someone could feel so unhappy all the time when I was little. He would drink on occasion, but when he did he always got so drunk. Mostly it just ended with him coming home and my mom yelling at him till he went to bed.
Now I would like to skip ahead. I do apologize for the rambling, but I feel like my real downfall began in the summer of 2008. This was the summer when everything took a turn for the worst. My father was in a car accident and during some test at the hospital they discovered that he had lung cancer. He was a very heavy smoker his whole life. When we found out the doctors gave him 6 years and maybe longer with treatments. This would all become a lie on February 20th of 2009 now when my father passed away. I want to go into detail about this night because it is forever in my mind. It is something that haunted me for years.
On February 19th, I was at home alone with my dad. My mother had gone out to play bingo with her friends and my sister was at work. I had taken on the challenge of cleaning up the house while my father watched tv. My mother had never been a good housekeeper so I tried my best to clean as much as I could. I remember going upstairs and telling my dad that he needed to take a shower because he smelled. His depression had worsened at this point and he was giving up one showering and daily activities. I remember arguing with him and then going downstairs to avoid any further conflict. About five minutes later I came upstairs and went to find where my dad had went. I was into my parents room to find him on the floor, gasping for air. I can vividly remember seeing his mouth moving and some bile seeping some his mouth. My first instinct was to call my uncle who lives down the hill. I called him, but my cousin Joey was the once that answered. My cousins Joey and JC were like my best friends growing up. So I hung up and called 911 immediately and did what I was advised to do. My cousins had arrived to try to help me and my older cousin JC who is only two years older than me took over. I will spare you the rest of details, but inevitably I ended up at the hospital after my aunt drove me to meet my mother and sister there. When I arrived I remember them saying that my dad's heart was beating. I can remember feeling so happy that I had saved him and that he was going to be so grateful that I helped. That all came crashing down a few hours later when they told us he was brain dead. The next day after talking with my mother about what to do we decided to pull the plug on him. It is a short but grim ending to this part of my life.
When my father died is when my depression really began. It was the point when my life started in a downward spiral. I was diagnosed with Depression and PTSD on my first appointment with the therapist. I will continue this in the next blog.
I do apologize if this is all over the place. This is my first time with writing something like this. I would love to elaborate on some of it if you all wish to hear more about it. I have so much to share and get off my chest that is just crazy and this seems like a good place to start. Thanks for taking the time to read if you did.
