Growing Out

Alina Baraz - Buzzin

Has it really been 10 days?!?!

No, really, where have the days gone?!?

From last Thursday (June 7th) to like yesterday I was upstate. I told my family I was with my roommate but I was really with my boyfriend because his birthday was like the 2nd and way before I bought Kendrick Lamar tickets for his birthday (his fave!) and it was soooo good. The weekend was just amazing. A loving, alcohol-induced, marijuana-fueled weekend that I wish never ended.

I never got what people meant when they were like "Home isn't a place, it's a person!" like, yeah, you're fucking lying.

But it's true.

I'm "home-home" now as in the place where my family lives. The place I've lived 24/7 365 for 18 years until I went to college and now live in for the summer.

And it doesn't feel like home. At all.

So familiar yet so strange.

I feel like a stranger here. Not estranged, but more like a guest. Which is so weird. I have a key here. No one bats a lash and goes "Who are you? Why are you in my fridge?" as if I'm some ill-mannered guest, but that's how I feel.

A guest in my own "home".

*shrugs* Idk, man. Maybe that's growing up. But I wish it was August. I wish I was in my college town. I wish I was with my boyfriend, curled up in bed skin-to-skin, watching Westworld or Coco.

I'm at that phase where it's like...damn, I'm an adult now. And I have adult feelings! Growing up and growing out of things is such a natural thing that happens yet no one tells you how to feel or what to do about them!

I wanna cry. Partly for the home, I don't have anymore and for the home I miss. Part of me wants to feel better but I'm not even sure exactly how I'm feeling.

I'll probably think of a better analogy but it kind of...it kind of feels like when you've outgrown your favorite sweater. I have one, actually, that I did outgrow lol. It makes you feel safe, confident, and secure. Then one day it snags. Or it rips. Or it doesn't fit anymore. Or, simply, one winter you just stop wearing it. It's perfectly fine. It's always there, looking at you whenever you open your sweater drawer. But at last...it is nothing but a memory.

I'm growing up. And it's so so so scary.

But so so so thrilling.

This isn't even what I wanted to blog about lol.

I wanted to say hello. I'm alive. I had fun this past week. Hopefully will have fun this week.

I am employed! I, strangely and luckily, got accepted into the summer youth program here in my city. Which I'm really surprised about but grateful for cause I NEED A JOB! Lol. Even if it's part-time, it'll make the month of July less of a painstakingly slow month I think it will be.

In short, I'm homesick lol.

How are you guys?

See ya in the next blog.
June 13th, 2018 at 01:41am