He Was My First Something; Letting Go Seems Impossible

So I'm still a little ashamed to admit it, but I know I need help and I don't know where else to go to or who to turn to at the moment...

I'm 27 years old and I've never had a relationship before. Ever. Honestly it's mostly due to daddy issues - I discovered my parents had an unhappy marriage at very young age (when I was about 5 years old) when I saw my dad choke my mom and constantly hearing them yell at each other in our native language - I don't speak it fluently but I understood enough to get the gist of what they were fighting about. During the second semester of my 8th grade year (13 years old), a fight broke out between them thanksgiving break that caused them to stop speaking to each other indefinitely, so it became a "tell your father this, tell your mother that" environment from then on. And it didn't help that I grew up in that kind of household until my mom moved back home to California a little over two years ago. To this day, my parents are still married (separated) but still not talking.

The other reason is just plain old insecurity about my looks; my "uneven" body; my boring, awkward personality; the belief that I'm not good enough to be someone's partner and never will be because I don't have much to offer or if anything really; that I still don't know what I want to do with my life; and I just come with a lot of baggage emotionally (suicidal and depression). I'm afraid of putting myself out there. Any guy who showed interest in me, I ran in the other direction even though I liked him back.

Well, I finally decided to give this one guy a shot. Long story short, we met back at the beginning of March of this year and we got really close, talking about anything and everything - I told him things I've never shared with my best friends of 18+ years or took me years to confess to them. I don't know why but it came very easy to do so, I just felt extremely comfortable sharing those kinds of things with him and I've never had that strange feeling before with anyone else. Near the end of April one week before my birthday, I lost my virginity to him; I didn't hesitate one bit to let him have it. I wasn't exactly waiting for marriage; something inside of me just knew that I wanted him to take it. I didn't care about my insecurities with my body or my looks (he was the first boy to see me without makeup besides my male relatives), and I didn't care that I wasn't his first and it didn't matter that we had gotten into a fight just an hour before it happened. It just felt absolutely right.

But then right away sex became a frequent thing, like every two or three days and I was worried that this is what the "relationship" was turning into, which is not what either of us wanted. Now I am not good with communication and so of course I didn't know how to relay what I was feeling to him in a way he'd understand, so what I did say completely upset him and we had our first huge fight (mid May) where we decided to just be friends. That didn't last. By the end of the week, we were dating again. But that also didn't last. Over the next few months, we argued like a couple and the worst part was we weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend. Things weren't the same anymore. We'd argue about the dumbest things like me not being able to talk to my male coworkers unless it was work related; him thinking I'm looking for attention by wearing certain leggings at work; I was never allowed to know why I shouldn't do something, that I should just do it; me always having to wear a long shirt that would cover my ass or wrap a jacket around my waist if we were out in public because jeans weren't "enough"; running out of things to talk about; etc. But even though we fought a lot, I had this ridiculous idea in my head that we could get past it, that all couples go through this "rough patch". But with every fight we had, he slowly lost the connection and he ended it at the end of July, with us trying to remain friends.

During these past two weeks, I thought I was slowly getting over him because he wasn't entering my thoughts as often and I wasn't looking at pictures of us or rereading screenshots of texts of when we were happy, and honestly we were total opposites (I like to drink occasionally and go dance while he didn't; I want to eventually travel but he said we couldn't be together if I did) and it probably never would've lasted if we made it official, but I'm still really struggling to let this go. Yesterday (because I'm still in the process of getting over us) I blew up on him because one of my friends saw him out with another girl who turned out to be just a friend, and now he doesn't want us to be friends anymore if I'm just going to freak out on him like that again when he does start seeing another girl. I know we're going to eventually have to go our separate ways but I honestly can't imagine life without him as a friend. I can't explain it; when we were still trying to be something, our talks would end up in fights. But when we're friends, it's like how we were when we first started; I can trust him with anything. We said we'd always care for/be there for each other even when we find someone else, but he doesn't want to be friends; I don't want us to be strangers though.

...After all this, I don't know if I'll be able to ever trust again. Even though we were never official, it still feels like my first heartbreak and I don't know what to do with myself, how to get over it. My friends all tell me the same thing, that it'll pass in time and I know that they're right because they've been through it themselves and they're still standing strong today. I know I should just accept his decision but I can't. It seems like this painful feeling will never go away and I absolutely hate myself for getting so attached and getting my hopes up so easily in such a short time. And I feel completely stupid because I feel like this is something I should've already gone through back in high school or whatever and should know how to handle this by now. Lately (and even when we were fighting), I've been missing work and/or doing a half-ass job. I let this take over my life and I honestly don't know how to get it back on track. I don't remember what I used to do when he wasn't in my life and it's pathetic. Sometimes, I wish I never met him but at the same time I'm grateful I did. I just..I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm honestly terrified that I'll never get over him and that I'll end up alone for the rest of my life.