Fall

I cannot wait for fall. After a semester and a summer off, it's easy to get excited about school starting up. Even though I know the motivational feeling is fleeting, I need to keep busy because I can definitely feel the drag of that seasonal depression kicking in. 

I finally feel like I'm making a little bit of progress on my degree, after what feels like four wasted years of nonsense, I feel like I found my passion. I still have two semesters worth of general studies to catch up on, and after that, two years of difficult and intense upper-level chemistry and physics classes. It feels like it won't ever be over, but I'm trying to keep in mind that I might actually be able to make a decent (livable!) wage once I'm finished. 

Everything just seems to be weighing down on me right now. (Yes that might be a fat joke considering the weight I've gained and can't seem to get off.) It doesn't exactly help that I'm not working, so most of my time is filled with listening to depressing music on Youtube and making myself feel worse. 

I'm trying to keep my chin up since my favorite holiday is almost here though. Halloween has always been a good time for me. It seems to always be the calm before the storm. You know when bad things always seem to rear their ugly heads at you around the same time of year? So you develop this weird fear of the season? Winter is that season for me. It hasn't felt jolly or festive in a long, long time. 

I keep telling myself that it's all in my head and that if I keep this up, it'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. But it's hard sometimes when I start seeing some of the same patterns, that caused so many of the problems then, arise again. 

What I really want is to get away for a while. Just with my dog and no one else. I want to go up to my family cabin and just get out into nature for a while, feel the silence and see what it has to offer. 

I recently re-purchased (after losing my first copy while moving) one of my favorite books. Your Illustrated Guide To Becoming One With The Universe by Yumi Sakugawa. It's a really cute book about how to find inner peace and work to silence your demons. Or, at least that how I took it. She talks about how the universe is always telling you what you need, we just need to listen to it. I'll add links to where it can be purchased at the end.

Anyways, I just feel like I need some space. Not necessarily from anyone, but from everyone. I just feel burnt out on interactions and obligations. I feel like I need guidance from the universe, or spirits or someone- anyone... on what I should be doing, but I can't ever seem to get anything of value. 

When I try to talk to people about the way I'm feeling they have one of two reactions: they either become increasingly dull and disinterested as I speak, as if I'm a bother and they would rather talk about other subjects, or they give me the run of the mill phrases. "You're on the right path, you're doing fine", "You just have to think about what God wants for you" Etc. 

Maybe I'm being selfish for thinking those are not good enough, but I guess I'm just looking for an engaging conversation about it. 

I suppose I've ranted enough. Hopefully, I'll figure things out for the next post.