Changes

Wow how things have changed. You know, I've spent a lot of my time being angry at people. I'm angry at my mum, for leaving me. I'm angry at my sister for having spent more time with her. I'm angry and my friends who still have their mum, who complain about them. But I've come to realise who I'm really angry at is myself. When I think back to all those times I made the wrong decisions. The arguments I would cause with my mum. I know now that at the time it was teenage hormones, that she would never hold it against me and that she understood. But I've never had the chance to talk about it with her. So much has changed now since she left. I was such a daddy's girls. I still am really but now I feel abandoned. He's met a woman and before people start thinking it's the jealous daughter it's not. I actually like her. It's him that's changed. I'm lucky if he bothers to come home once a week. I mean I should be grateful he's kept the house for us to live in. But still. He's not bothered, he doesn't care about what happens in our lives. I feel like I'm all alone, orphaned by my dad who just doesn't want to be involved. I have just found out as well that my best friends is pregnant, and I'm over the moon for her she is going to be an amazing mum but it just brings back all the emotions. My mums never going to meet her grandchildren if I'm fortunate enough to have them. My mum won't be in the delivery room to say that I'm doing great. And I know hopefully if everything goes to plan my partners will be there but it's just not the same. And then there is my gran. My only grandparent still alive who is my mothers mum. She's been through so much lately and health wise she's one strong fighter but it brings home to me how lost I'm going to be when I lose her. How utterly destroyed I'm going to be. Somehow I don't think I can do it. Not again.