I'm gonna begin by linking the Unofficial Mibba Discord Chat!
CW: THIS BLOG DISCUSSES DEPRESSION, SEX, AND SEXUAL ASSAULT
So, I've struggled with depression for what seems like a long time now. 5-6 years. Over the last few, I've learned ways that help me cope. Being with friends, staying active, staying productive, basically just getting my mind off things. Here lately, it's not been so easy.
So I started a recent creativity boost that kinda just fizzled. I was writing a lot on my brain child The Land of Infinite Whispers; I edited the first 30,000 words down to 20,000 and wrote an additional 12,000, all over the course of like a month or a few weeks or something. When I started my new job two weeks, ago, I just kinda got overwhelmed and... stopped. Between my new job and time with my boyfriend, I just kinda stopped.
Back in April I went through a pretty weird breakup. My ex and I had been dating for over 2.5 years; we had a long, relatively healthy relationship. But toward the end, it just... went sour? He seemed to constantly have issues with us and nothing I did could fix them, so I just slowly fell out of love. We stopped having sex, which apparently prompted him to touch me in my sleep, try and fuck me, on numerous occasions, even when I told him no and asked him to stop. It eventually got to the point where I would just lie there until he gave up, because he wouldn't give me the respect to listen. The breakup was a long time coming, I just couldn't bring myself to leave him. We had been together for the entirety of my adult life at that point and I couldn't imagine life without him.
But I did break up with him eventually and I got myself out of there. I didn't realize how bad it was at the time, but looking back, I can't believe I didn't leave sooner. He basically equated how much I loved him to how much sex we had. It fucked me up so bad. With my current boyfriend, I'm constantly on-edge about it. He & I haven't been having much sex lately, so I'm so terrified he's going to stop loving me. I'm terrified I'm not good enough. It's been fucking with my mind lately.
I haven't talked to my ex since we broke up. He blocked me on all social media. I went and checked out his Reddit last night to see what he had been up to and I saw some pretty ridiculous things about me. He thinks I was the problem... he thinks I was a narcissist, that I lied to him, disrespected him, led him on. It hurt to see that and I know I shouldn't have gone to look. He was a manipulative abuser and I should have just brushed the thought away. It's just something else that tells me it's my fault, that I was the problem. It's just adding anxiety about my current relationship. I can't seem to get it out of my head that my boyfriend doesn't love me, that he's looking for some one else, that I'm not good enough. I just want it to stop.
I haven't felt depression like this in a long time. It's hard to deal with when I thought I'd learned to overcome it. But I guess that's just part of the healing process--I just need to deal with these feelings and let them pass. Good times will come. I'm just having a hard time seeing them come to me.
The gaysections of Tumblr and Twitter don't help much, either. I should really stop frequenting any and all social media aside from Mibba and Reddit. Every time I open Twitter or Tumblr I'm assailed by muscular masc 4 masc gays, or just guys that are attractive, and it just adds to how inadequate I feel.
Oh, well. I'm working to put all of this emotion into The Land of Infinite Whispers. I've been dreaming for the longest time of being my own person--working my own hours, doing my own thing at home. I'd love to publish a novel and finally be able to do that. Realistically, I know it takes time, but I'd like to make it happen sooner rather than later. Productivity, getting out of my bedroom, and being with people are all things that have helped me cope in the past. I'd like for that to stay the same, and I'd like to go back to being happy soon. I just don't like feeling like this.
If you stuck around this long, thank you.
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