Just Working Things Out

I can’t promise that this will be quality. I’m not doing well tonight, so I want to write it out rather than wallow.

My grandmother passed away three months ago. We were incredibly close. She had a massive hand in raising me. We (the grandchildren) would have sleep overs at her house on the weekends “Just because”, “Just to visit”: without warrant. She would spoil us silly, like grandmothers do, and this continued into adulthood. I’ve pretty much come to a safe place in terms of her passing. I know she’s in a much better place, cancer free.

But her sister died last night. My Great “Aunt Lenny”.

Len was her shadow, despite being the older. They did everything together, including raising us. If we were at Nana’s then so was Aunt Len. They lived a mere street away from one another, even. I was really close to her as well but in a more...distant way. If that makes any sense. We never had sleep overs at her house but she was always over at Nana’s when we were sleeping over there. We’d go on family trips together, go shopping together, cook together. You name it.

And I could make this a tribute to her and my sadness. But that’s not what this is about.

Tonight I’m looking around my apartment and all I can see is the legacy that my family, including them, has cultivated in me. I have a brown couch my grandmother bought but then didn’t like, I have Chex mix on top of the fridge that’s the same flavor Aunt Len favored, I have Seinfeld on the television, I have Mango Peach juice that I damn near grew up on in my refrigerator. We had quick sauce for dinner tonight, a recipe my father taught me when I was a child. I even have birds in the Christmas tree because mom insists on having them on her own. I’m head strong, I’m rock and roll, I’m compassionate to a fault and it all falls back on the way my family raised me.

I’ve been so lucky to have grown up with these amazing people all around me to support and love me and teach me these amazing and mundane things. Every single piece of the base that I stand upon was placed there by them. Memories, lessons, and advice all piled up at my feet. And before this night I havent’ noticed it. I was selfish and spoiled and ungrateful by default.

My last words to the both of them were, “I love you be safe”. But in retrospect I’d much rather them have been, “Thank you for everything”.