The Stages of Abuse and Healing

I've been thinking about writing this blog out for a good while now, and I thought today would be a good day to. For those of you who haven't seen me around Mibba before, hello, my name is Kayla. In 2013, I met a boy and we began dating that March. I was 14 and he was 15. Him and I were together for four years, from my freshman year of high school, to my freshman year of college. We broke up in May of 2017, a little after our four year anniversary because I had met a man who lighted up my entire life and I realized that I wasn't happy in my relationship.

In those four years, I had been through so much stuff that you wouldn't believe. The first year was fine, and then things started going downhill. I've wrote about it a lot in poems here, but I was in an abusive relationship and I didn't realize it until I was having a mental breakdown and I happened to have met my current boyfriend. This topic is rough for me to write about. It began with verbal abuse, calling me names, putting me down, telling me that everything was my fault. Right after our 2.5 year anniversary is when the physical abuse began. I was shoved at first, then it escalated to hitting and kicking, and then I was punched in the face the last month of our relationship. I was gaslighted into thinking that I couldn't find anyone better than him. I thought I couldn't leave because I was afraid of being alone so I took it and just put a smile on my face and acted like nothing was wrong.

So, why am I writing about this, you may ask. I'm seeing a therapist who is helping me with the trauma I was dealt and I'd like to show how images of me changed overtime due to what I was dealing with and give an explanation for them and how I started out okay and my self esteem slowly fell apart. I will not be showing images of my ex boyfriend's face as I feel as that, that would invade his privacy and I don't want to stoop down to his level.

Before it all started:

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June 13, 2012

I was about to start high school when this image was taken. As you can see, I am happy, I am smiling. I had just went to the mall that day with my dad and we had, had a good time. During this time, I was dealing with my own self esteem issues as I stood at 5 ft tall and was a little chubby. I was happy though, I was smiling, and I felt great, but I didn't know what was going to happen in the following year. I was scared to start high school definitely, but I knew that I'd make it through.

The first month:

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April 9th, 2013

The boy and I had been dating for a little less than a month when this picture was taken. New relationships are scary. My friend had set me up with him because he had heard that he had a crush on me since we took biology together my first semester of high school. I had to admit at the time that he was kinda cute. We were both awkward high school students and it took us three months to hold hands. I liked him though and he liked me. He kinda listened to what I had to say, but honestly, I had never been in a relationship before being with him unless it was long distance online.

A little after one year:

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May 28th, 2014

This was the day of the ending of my sophomore year. As you can see in the picture, I'm wearing a necklace with a ring on it, and a bracelet on my wrist. He ring was his class ring that he gave me to wear as most people do that cheesy thing in high school. The bracelet was one of a set that I had engraved at an amusement park. I wore one with his name on it and he wore one with mine (only for like a few months). I remember the day kinda well because I met him in the courtyard at school and for some reason, he decided to pick me up and carry me over his shoulder while I was wearing this dress; to note, the whole bottom of the dress was sheer minus the slip that went about to my knees. I was yelling at him to put me down because of the fact that I was afraid that people were going to see what I was wearing underneath. We were having some problems in our relationship at this point due to him ignoring me to play video games or him wanting me to fool around (not in like the 3rd base kinda way) at my dad's house when he came over. I was young and dumb and went along with it most of the time.

Fast forward to year two:

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August 13th, 2015

My favorite senior portrait in the very same dress. I had dyed my hair blonde about a month beforehand which was the first time I had ever changed my hair color. He didn't like it too much, and it was supposed to be only highlights, but my cousin pulled a few too many strands of hair through a cap and I ended up a honey blonde. We had been fighting at this point quite a bit. The ignoring had continued and I'd Skype him every night only to not see his face, but hear him play video games in the background. I'd ask him a question and not get an answer. I was doing bad things myself by chatting with older men online for the attention, but again, I was young and dumb and I'll admit my faults that I did do bad things in our relationship. This was a little before the physical abuse began, but I had started to become degraded by his comments and I felt like my smile in my senior portraits looked fake. You may also notice in the picture that I'm wearing a ring. Like the bracelets that I had engraved, we also had promise rings made about a year beforehand, they both shared each others names and I wore mine from the day we got them to right after we broke up. I was upset and angry at him after the breakup so I threw mine and the bracelet into a lake near my house.

When I stopped smiling in pictures:

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December 12th, 2015

I absolutely hated the way I started to look when I smiled. If I did smile, I wouldn't show my teeth; it'd be this half-assed half smile. My self esteem was dropping and when I did my makeup, it felt like it wasn't enough to make me look beautiful. To note, my ex boyfriend never, I mean never complimented me. Around this time he became possessive of me. He'd distance me from my friends and while he was off working at his job because he had graduated a few months beforehand, he'd still text me constantly while I was at school to ask me what I was doing. It became an annoyance more than anything, but I dealt with it. I'd hide in the bathroom just to text him back because he'd get upset if I didn't.

My senior prom:

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May 1st, 2016

Though my ex boyfriend had graduated, I had to fill out a form so he could go to my senior prom. I took my time to make sure that he was able to go with me. When the day came, my aunt took me to get my hair and makeup done and while I wasn't smiling in this picture, I felt confident in the way that I looked for once. My ex came to pick me up that evening and we have a picture where we're standing side by side and he decided to interlock our fingers in front of us so we were holding hands. It was the first affectionate gesture he had made in pictures with me and it was his decision for once. The pictures looked great, but as we went off to the prom was where things went downhill. He had worked that day and I get that he was tired, but he sat off on the corner the whole time and didn't want to dance unless I dragged him over. I used what little cash I had from Easter presents and paid to have some professional photos done of us because I felt like I looked great. On the way home though, he complained that I was wearing too much makeup and he hated when I wore makeup at all. In a later point of our relationship, if I came to his house all done up, he would make me take it off before he even looked at me; even if I was just wearing only eyeshadow, mascara, and eyeliner. I now wish I had just went to prom with my friends because I had much more fun with them than I did him.

The first good day I had, had in a while:

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February 3rd, 2017

College had caused me a lot of stress. My ex and I were fighting quite a bit at this point and it would turn into all out screaming matches. I was tired of being ignored, I was working my ass off, and even if I just tried to have a small conversation with him, he'd either not pay attention, or get mad because I was taking his focus off of the game. I am also very bipolar and I was having issues with my mental illness at the time because my former psych had cancelled appointments on me six times in a span of five months; she just kept refilling my meds without seeing me and needing to adjust them (she was sick at the time and I completely understand that). I'm gonna admit another one of my faults in my former relationship. At this time, I was cheating on my boyfriend with a coworker behind his back. I feel horrible about doing that now, but I had given up at that point. The ignorance had gotten to me, but that traces back to my fear of being alone and thinking I can't find anyone better. I feel like my bipolar played a role in that time when it came to the cheating due to impulsive manic decisions, but things just continued to get worse.

Days after the breakup:

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May 17th, 2017

I had met my current boyfriend at the tail end of April as I was in the middle of a mental breakdown. After knowing my current boyfriend for three days, I knew that I could find someone better and I did. I had lived with my ex for the last two weeks before we had broke up due to a issue I was having at home with my stepmother (who was also verbally abusive). I had been kicked, punched, and at one point, he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me to the point where I had bruises. When this picture was taken, it was two weeks after the breakup. I had made an appointment on this day to get my hair dyed because my ex had picked the red hair, which I found out after I dyed it that it was the same color hair as his favorite adult film star. I had captioned this photo "Sometimes you have to smile when you're really not okay." Just looking at it, you could see in my eyes how broken I was. I'll admit, I cried for days deciding whether or not to break up with my ex due to me still being hopelessly in love with him even after how done I was with the abuse. My friends that I had known since middle school and through high school, that the ex had tried to push me away from, were congratulating me finally leaving him because they saw the red flags in clear view while I was looking through rose colored glasses.

New hair, new me:

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June 9th, 2017

My boyfriend and I had been officially dating four days at this point. I still wasn't smiling in pictures because my self esteem was nothing. I had begun telling my boyfriend what all the ex had done to me and he was absolutely enraged. I hadn't told him everything, but just portions of what I dealt with and he hated that I went through that for as long as I did. My ex's best friend messaged me that day while I was getting my hair done. He had asked me what happened between the two of us because he had only heard the boy's side of the story and not mine. The boy's side of the story turned me into a monster and an awful person, but when he heard my side, he told me he believed me over him. They're not very close friends now, and he continues to talk to me to make sure how I'm doing some days.

Beginning to heal:

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August 4th, 2017

Due to the mental abuse from my stepmother, I kinda moved in with my boyfriend and his dad pretty quickly. My boyfriend went into rehab for alcohol abuse the day after my birthday in July (I had just turned 19, my boyfriend was 25) and I continued to live with his dad. His family became my support system and my boyfriend lifted me up with his daily calls that he made to me. They let me talk and get things off my chest and I felt loved and supported. They still support me to this day and give me guidance when I need it. While he was in rehab they had a four day family program to teach family members how to help a person recover from their addictions. Though I was the youngest in the room of 10 other people, they also listened to what I had to say and I felt comfortable talking with them. I also learned a few things that would help myself recover from what I spent four years dealing with and I carry that knowledge with me. As my boyfriend was dealing with his own issues, I was dealing with mine and we listened to each other. During this time, my ex had contacted me to hang out because he "missed me," but I rejected the idea because I was trying to get over what was going on in my life. To try and get back at me for not seeing him, he sent me a text that I wrote about in this poem.

Smiling again:

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March 28th, 2018

Though there are pictures of me with a bright smile starting at November of 2017, I'm posing with other people and again, privacy issues. At this point, I was beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin once again. My relationship was doing well, my boyfriend was renovating his childhood home so we could move into it (and it's where we currently live) and I was happy. Things were looking bright and happy and while my bipolar again was acting up at this time, I was managing it fairly well, but I was still having my highs and lows. It's a normal thing really, but I was having times of major depression at this point and I'll admit to that. At this time as well, I was having nightmares of the past and things that had happened. My ex had tried contacting me in November of 2017 to apologize, but I blocked his number and didn't respond. I didn't want to accept his apology for what he did to me.

Today:

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December 3rd, 2018

I look happier and healthier in this picture than from where my relationship began. I glanced through my Instagram photos and saw how it looked like I was falling apart from the beginning until now. I've grown in the past few years and I've taken my experiences to help others. While I'm still healing from the trauma that I was dealt with my therapist, I've learned a lot. My self worth is still slowly recovering and sometime I still blame myself for things that are out of my control, I'm working to make myself better. I do have things that set me off (which is why my therapist is working with me) such as when someone raises their voice; I shut down and start shaking really bad because I'm afraid I'll get hit or blamed or something else horrible.

I wanted to write this to try and get some pent up feelings out that I'm dealing with and if you've made it this far, thank you for reading. I hope all the images show up properly here and if they don't, I apologize, some came from my Facebook, and the rest from my tumblr.

Until next time,

Kayla V
December 12th, 2018 at 02:59am