Reflecting on How Far I've Come

Sometimes I get the urge to write something so raw and honest but hate posting those kind of things on Facebook and Twitter, but at the same time I want people to read. So I guess this is where Mibba comes in... *Deep breath and write*

*I wanted to post this yesterday but needed to do a bit of tweaking and editing before*

I can, and will say, for the rest of my life, that the year 2016 was my year from hell. In a nutshell I suffered from mental health issues, homelessness, self-doubt and a job that put some pennies in my bank account and took up my time and sanity but that’s it. I had to deal with unwell family members, other family members making up lies on social media, constant put downs owing to my job and the put downs from others about having attended university. This time two years ago I fell out with my best friend, the person who once had faith in me, had lost all faith and respect for me. An idol from my teenage years and early twenties died.

But out of all those things, the lasting impact was the dwindled self worth, the shattered confidence, the exhaustion and the fragility.

This time two years ago I didn’t see myself as worthy of anything, anything at all. The whole year from start to finish metaphorically battered me.

So what’s changed? Sometimes in my darkest days nothing but on brighter days a whole lot. I no longer mourn the loss of my friend, when I look at it, she’d lost all interest in me long before we’d fallen out – I don’t want to say she’s a bad person but our aspirations, energy and motivations just didn’t match anymore. It’s just a sad part of life. At the time of our collapsing friendship I had gone to see Fantastic Beasts with her – the new one had just come out and I treated myself to a viewing – who did I go with? No-one, I went alone, and the cinema was empty, I had my pick of seating. I enjoyed the film with no thought of her. I came out of the film with a lighter feeling, a weight lifted from my shoulders.

That job that gave me pennies and stress? Long gone, and no matter how bad I get I KNOW there are other options, I will never go back. I have since held two office jobs, two office jobs that will help me on the way to where I want to be. A job is more than just pennies to put in your bank account. It’s about experiences and opportunities.

But the biggest change is that I have gone back to university, and more my last assignment before Christmas a received a distinction grade and some excellent feedback on my assignment, it was “believable” and reminiscent of an editor ready to climb the career ladder. I burst into tears upon reviewing my grade, I think this is the first time I’ve cried over a grade.

I’m enjoying studying, I’m making plans for the future, I’m rediscovering my interests. But the best bit is that I’m ignoring others, and it isn’t always the easiest thing to do. Trying to pace myself and accept that my unfortunate blip of a year is going to take some time to heal from. But I’m getting there.
It takes a second to shatter someone’s confidence, but many , MANY more seconds to build it back up again.

At the time of posting it's Christmas Eve, so Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!